Personal: My Fear

While I was playing with magic objects one day
I came across a strange instrument indeed
I knocked it in a very particular way
And out of it some parchment was duly freed

It was scrunched, as though placed back in a rush
It had one big clear line, with disclaimers underlying
"View your future today!" was written in bold brush
"Though you can't change your future, except by dying"

It would be fantastic to know who I'm going to be
There's no doubt that we wonder about it each day
But a future set in stone was not to be for me
Having a definitive path was never my way

But it wasn't just that, you see I have a fear
Concerning exactly what I would hear
That my future is simply one of monotony
Such a curse would be like a lobotomy

That I would get a job earning more than I need
Focusing on the financial legacy I lead
Friends with whom I only talk small
Living a life that isn't a life at all

That I've given up my creativity
Laughing about my past efforts jovially
Becoming of the world, rather than being fascinated by it
Happy to just have a comfy home in which to sit

While I'm aware there are far worse fates I could uncover
Such a life is, I hope, not for me
May I have an interesting life, and then may I have another
Onwards onto uncertainty

Personal:My Room

I don't think people realise just how recently I've come out of my inner shell.

On the outside I was always sociable and interactive

I would always tell people about what I'd done. But never who I was

I've always held beliefs that I don't really talk about

For example, as a pacifist Christian, it's amazing how rarely I discuss these beliefs (possibly out of a desire to still have friends).

It's said by some that analogies are key for understanding

And there's one analogy that fits rather well

See, not many people have ever been in my room

When I was young, we didn't have people over much

My parents were blessed with 4 kids and boy did we bless them hard

So I never got in the habit of having friends visit me

Instead I would have to be invited to visit them

It just so happened my house was a bit offset from my close friends

So even when I was older, it was never my house things happened at

My home was just where I went to be with a busy family

Where I would lose myself in books for lack of anything else

When I got to uni, I was in the most isolated room

Just by chance, everyone else's room was more convenient

I decorated and put on a show, but still

No one really came to visit. And I never really asked them to.

I sort of didn't realise this was the case.

I'd decorate my room, be all presentable

Set up a chair in the corner for people to sit

Then never invite anyone to sit in it.

I'd like to think I'm different now

Just know that if I invite you back to my room

It's cause I want to get to know you better

And maybe chat a little.

Personal: Dancing

I did not dance to please the crowds
No, I danced just for me
I danced hard and I danced loud
As I became the symphony

I danced because it filled in my veins
Because I felt the rhythm
I danced because it healed all pains
And closed up every schism

I danced to know I could dance at all
To marvel that my feet could tap in time
I danced because it made me tall
Even as the beat began to climb

I danced so the music could not fade
To ensure that not one note dropped
I danced because I was afraid
To what would happen if I ever stopped

And now I'm caught up in my tempo
I can't control the pace
And now you may call me yellow
But I don't want to leave this race

Because this dance may be my peak
The most beautiful thing I'll ever do
And now I dance because I'm weak
I dance because I can't bare not to

I dance because I see,
There will never be a second act
So wherever this dance may send me
I will dance it on, and that's a fact

Spoiler: Dancing is a metaphor for poetry.

Personal: I find you beautiful

If I tell you I find you beautiful.
(Which I would absolutely love to by the way)
I mean just that.
That I think you are a beautiful human being.

And I don't just mean in physical beauty,
Though I definitely can't discount that.
I mean there is beauty in the way you talk
In the way you think, act, and walk.

I don't mean that I want to enter a relationship
I don't mean that I want to sleep with you
I don't mean anything else than that,
I don't mean anything else than that I find you beautiful.

See, I find everyone I meet beautiful.
I really wish that these were hyperbolic statements for artistic effect
I really wish they were symbolising me being a "charmer"
It would make my life so much easier

Then when I meet the next beautiful person
I can complement without connotations
Put a smile on their face and go on my way
Without people second-guessing motives

It's just the way I am.
I really do find humans beautiful. And all of them in their own special way.
Him and Her and all of Them and especially You. I mean it.
You are beautiful. And I mean exactly that.

Personal: Scars

Content Warning: self-harm

A lot of my life I spend confused. Not knowing what to do.

I would desperately love to have the answers to everything, but I just don't. Sometimes there are no right answers.

Sometimes this means I make a fool of myself. Those are the times I can deal with.

This is dedicated a friend who will likely never read this.

One skill I've wanted badly from a young age is to notice things other people don't. And if I did notice something I would then pretend that thing defines a person:

I want to notice the colour of your eyes, if you have dimples when you smile,

I want to notice, most of all, if you're having a bad day, so I can offer kind words so I can see if you have dimples again!

What I wasn't prepared to notice was your scars.

My mind jumps to a thousand conclusions, while concluding nothing.

I have to remind myself that I am not Sherlock. I can't tell your past.

All I know is that some scars don't heal, regardless of time.

All I know is that you are fighting.

I have never experienced anything like what you're going through.

I don't know if the fight is over or still raging.

I don't know why you started, or how it ends.

I want to talk to you about them, so I can offer help. But I know that's selfish, because I know you probably want nothing more than to forget they were ever there

So let me just say this.

If I am ever fortunate enough to become close friends with someone who has scars,

They will not be my close friend who has scars,

They will be my close friend.

If you want to take the fight alone, you can take it alone.

If you want to wear your scars with pride then ignore any prejudging moron who jumps to conclusions.

If you want to hide your scars because they aren't you then so be it.

If you are confused then be confused.

Just know that to me, those scars do not define you any more than the colour of your eyes

Any more than your dimples. They don't define you any more than a bad day

But if a bad day ever does turn up. As they sometimes do.

I just want you to know that I'm here. And I'll do my best to make you smile.