The past was real, we just don't live there anymore
It's our foundation from a time before
Forever gone, it seems condemned to be
Only accessible through memory
The memory, that flawed database
Not able to recall the details of a face
Just...the outlines of what I once lived out
Faded by nostalgia and years of doubt
And though my neurons seek to rewire
Capture new worlds with which to inspire
I must not forget the past I used to know
Lest it become a place I may never go
It takes effort to be thankful
Which makes it all the more worthwhile
It takes effort to be spiteful
Where people go the extra mile
These are not passive states
But consume our supplies
Do not procrastinate
But seize all "how"s and "why"s
Be honest with your emotion
And see it in others
The level of devotion
Within all life-lovers
Let your chemicals heighten the person you wish to be
So that you can be truly you, unashamedly
I'm not sure if I'm doubting myself, or I'm just doubting my possibility
I don't know if I'm living my life or just living what fate has given to me
There's chances to advance in so many directions
But I'll often just go with the flow of my current convection
And I'm sorry, Me, but I'm not done believing in us just yet
We may be gambling with energy and time but I'm still taking the bet
Leave the treadmill and instead fill your map with paths into the unknown
It's fine to whine and understandable if you plan to moan
Just, move forward while you do it.
Do whatever you need to pursue it.
Dragged feet are not stationary
Starting to open your eyes still counts as being visionary
Embrace the moment but don't stay there forever
Because storms are coming you're gonna need to weather:
Injury. Grief. Disease. Time.
You can't just sit and wait for your optimum prime.
This might be all you ever get. Right here, and right now.
A sense of who you want to be and a chance to figure out how.
Seize your opportunity using whichever cliché will get you on your feet
Stop doubting, and live a life that you'd be proud to repeat
Put simply, I can pen a pretty poem
Give a little guidance on where you want it going
So I can see it sail to the harbour you desire
Finish with a flourish and set the theme on fire
But I started out so simple, writing in one way
I've been exploring ever more and delving every day
And now I know I need to neatly make a choice
To completely capture a calling, I have to pick a voice
I have learned, with time, my tendencies and traps
So I can construct a concept that my craft will not collapse
Not be guided by my ego but gives purpose to immerse
The inkling of individuality to each and every verse
"It's just an opinion",
I hear in defence
"It's just want they think,
why take such offence?"
Well, you see,
Our opinions kind of form who we are
How we treat others
Which roads we walk, and how far
Where we spend time
Which causes we choose support
Where we compromise
Which battles are worth being fought
Our opinions guide how we vote
How we spent the money that we earn
Whether we take court cases
Whether there are people we should spurn
Opinions do an awful lot
And they can tend to build traction
I think many people have forgot
How ideas can lead to action
Marriage isn't just the celebrations, it's the moments in between
The gaps between the breaths, the things you truly mean
The uptime and the downtime, all of it together
Standing tall in sunshine and in rainy weather
And, in a way I can only say to a housemate and companion of many years
(and maybe future junctures, where lucky chance appears)
I want to say thank you Tom, for being a good friend
We managed to stand together when the world seemed about to end
Memories don't disappear, even if they slightly fade
Watching sports and eating haggis were fun ones to have made
So go make many memories, keep him busy Emily
Good luck to you on your next steps together, whatever they happen to be
Enjoy your union forever, especially this biggest day
But treasure the other seconds too, in every single way
Other than being different to everyone else, what is wrong with dressing colourfully?
Embracing a spectrum that doesn't seem permanently wintery?
Could it just be, you saw me dressed different, and wanted to have something to say?
Try a little light humour to help the conversation on it's way?
I have said a lot of wrong things, from just wanting to say something
It's not a bad inclination, but there's trouble it can bring
Trying to force a thought or four into an uncertain situation
When the person in question wasn't seeking validation
There's points in life when you're not trying to cause a fuss
Just being yourself, rather than being something to discuss
Rather than being the centre of someone else's life lesson
You have to defend yourself from a well-meaning question
Now, I like dressing in colours and I have a lot of reasons
We all have a proclivity to dress towards our favourite seasons
And I've had wonderful discussions about aesthetics and philosophy
From people who think and dress a very different way to me
But do take a second, and consider whether your query is just cover
For the discomfort you discover when we embrace our differences from each other
***
For clarity, I almost always enjoy discussing my aesthetic with people - as long as it's genuine. But there are times when I feel like I'm on the defensive in what should be a friendly conversation, and that can feel uncomfortable. I've also been on the other side many times, when I've spoken up about something that seems odd to me and not realised I'm making someone defend being themselves.
It's the most beautiful and dangerous thing we ever realise
Sometimes, the right choice, doesn't lead to a good result.
And a bad choice can end up working out for the best.
It's a saving grace, and a curse to us all.
How, in the weaving and changing world, are we ever supposed to figure anything out at all?
When randomness can govern the strands of fate, is it even worth building a foundation?
We deeply want there to be a philosophy behind it all
Some feeling that it's not just chaos which strings us along
A lottery ticket with a last dollar could actually be the correct decision
Procrastinating and then finding out it's raining anyway
The world gave you imperfect information, and you tried your best
But your best didn't end up being the option you needed that day
It helps us relax, by knowing there are things outside of our control
Teach us that it's good to leave some room to breathe
But it also helps us become complacent
Let's us think we made the right choice, but actually that one wasn't fate, it was you
Policy and governance cannot solve the disorder within humanity
But that doesn't mean there aren't better options
You will never solve the whole equation, but maybe under certain conditions
You will gain some sense of how things work
So, dear friends, let us pledge to keep trying to understand that which we can never know
Gain some familiarity with where turbulence make take us
So that, when navigating these tricky waters
We may sail a little longer on our journey
I do wonder if there's a difference
When I label someone a racist
Or I label someone as a person with racist views
(sub in homophobic, ableist, or transphobic if you like)
See, when someone is racist, that's a character trait
Something I can't change about the person
They are them, and they are the other
And well, maybe they've earned that title
And I don't seek to lessen what they do
With the views that they currently hold
People do need to be called out
But, well, ideally called out in a way that gives them a way to change
But I think it might be better to hate actions
Rather than the person themselves
It leaves the door open for redemption
A future where they are just a person with views
I'm very sorry, but I've decided I'm going to live my life to the fullest
And you aren't going to be able to stop me.
I will enjoy the sugar within my favourite cereal
I will try a new outfit to see if it suits me
I will sing if the right song plays on my playlist
I may even dance in the rain if I'm dressed up warm enough
I will work hard at creating art so I can tell my story
I will travel across borders to broaden my horizons
I will talk to new people and find them fascinating
I will take up a new hobby and experience the joy of being a beginner
And I wont stop myself there
And I will not let you embarrass me
And I will not listen if you mock me
Except to misinterpret your words as compliments
As I see the world in a new light
I will live many lifetimes, all squashed into one
And I refuse to regret the fact that I am not perfect
So I will embrace my failures and use them as stepping stones
While I witness all life has to offer
And I am so, so sorry
But I've decided that I will not let you stop me, anymore
To the voices in my head
I need you to speak louder
To raise me from my slumber
Allow me to rest when I need
But after, help me to proceed
Remind me of injustice which I have briefly set aside
Help me seek adventure and to keep my boarders wide
Yell of the urgency in which I need to act each day
Please, voices, help me paint myself in a way I want to portray
Don't be cruel, but please be firm
Give me fuel to serve my term
Make use of time upon this Earth
Not to seek some misguided worth
But, voices, to connect the world behind my eyes
To seize the moment, and to help me rise
Who would want to recreate the Earth,
When we already have such a joyous one to explore?
Why pretend you've built it all since birth
When you can marvel in everything that's gone before?
What infrastructure, in road and rail
To allow us passage to places we've never seen?
Without it we'd be telling a sorry tale
In fact, would we ever be able to say what we mean?
See I've travelled the dictionary highways
Venturing boldly through linguistic lanes
Merging to dialects and dark alleyways
To find the most delicate refrains
What joy, when navigating old texts
To find a snicket phrase not often tread
Or to see ley lines of convenience forming next
To slang that will one day be formally bred
To be self-made would surely be miserable
Rejoice in those that helped tamed the absurd!
There is a wilderness of syllables
And danger in an unmapped word
In fact, for those with patience to see it through
I would venture a path that made seem perverse
Rather than build your own language structure anew
Build on ours, and lay down a verse
Hello void,
I've come to yell into you again for a little while
Thanks for understanding
Look, I need to yell at something right now
It's might fault I need to yell
And I try not to yell at myself as much these days
So, well, I'm afraid I'm going to yell at you for a little bit
Sorry about this
Well, here goes.
.
.
**AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHRRHHH****HH*
*UG!HCHMA*
WH*ATSYAFI*CH!AMJI!!NF@UTCHA
YEahhh
.
.
You do good work, you know that void?
We all overflow a little sometimes
And you help to control where we flood
Well, that's me for now
Thanks for being there for me
Until the next time, void
Self-care | Self-indulgence
Rest | Sloth
Nourishment | Gluttony
Dedication | Overwork
Reprieve | Entrapment
Self-belief | Overconfidence
Where is the line?
Where does it rest?
Between pushing too far | And trying your best
Leave your comfort zone
Find a safe space
Work with others | Win every race
Finish first | Don't put others down
Be a good leader | Reject any crown
You can do anything | If you accept the cost
Enjoy the adventure | Don't get lost
Well-meaning advice can lead to different actions
Leave us torn up inside with fighting factions
The tightrope we all walk is ever so fine
Goodluck, my friend, in finding your line |
Dear peacemaker, do you see yourself in your foe?
Dear peacemaker, do you trust in what you know?
Can you hold your nerve in fragile times?
Accept differences, even forgive crimes?
Dear warmonger, how far will you go?
Dear warmonger, do you hear those below?
Will you take a stand with the ultimate cost?
Will what you gain make up for what is lost?
How is it, that we defend our ideals?
We all have a route that naturally appeals
But are you willing to see that road to it's end?
To finally find out who is really your friend?
If it is worth the cost to split us down into factions
Peacemaker, warmonger, do not be blind to the cost of your actions
Do not treat those moments lightly
Where understanding drips from every syllable
Just sounds
But the sounds you need
So full of self-doubt that it's shocking there's room left for anxiety
What does it mean to overflow?
Not much, if someone is there to mop up the spills
Without making you feel guilty, as if the chore is a joy
I hope I can be that person for others
Reassurance, needed but not asked for
Yet delivered anyway
As many times as is needed
I'm not sure why my brain sometimes assumes people hate me
But I'm grateful for the friends who love me beyond such logic
It is the month of inspiration
Of doing things
So why have you not left your couch yet?
Don't you feel bad?
Look around
At the image everyone else is projecting of themselves
Loudly
It is no bad thing to want change
To gain higher control of your body
Make yourself achieve things
Become the image you draw of yourself
And sometimes there was energy when there didn't seem to be any
And sometimes there isn't
I am still learning that coin flip
We have limited time
Just like we have limited steps
But that doesn't mean we can run every moment
Particularly when it's dark out
You are still figuring yourself out
Keep moving, keep growing, at whatever pace you can
Go too fast, go too slow
Things rarely go right at the first attempt
And, if the month inspires you, seize that inspiration
If it doesn't? Well, don't let it deter you instead
It is just January.
And you can resolve what to make of that.
I love to believe in people who don't believe in themselves anymore
Cause I still see who they are at their core
I see things to admire, I see what they can be
Things I know aren't just visible to me
It's not an easy journey, I give a hand when I can
Cheering them on as their biggest fan
And slowly, slowly, I get to watch them grow
To become the wonderful person I already know
Dear people who are still searching for themselves,
Conforming is great, sometimes
Fitting in with a crowd when you're allowed
Nicely matching to societal rhymes
Making the people around you proud
It requires far less effort, far less thought
To simply try to fit into the image they depict
You'll gain the recognition you have sought
While managing to avoid all conflict
It feels, well, it feels good.
But that doesn't mean all is acting as it should.
Don't confuse people liking you for fitting in
With people liking you for being you
You don't have to purposely be different about everything
But you shouldn't always try to be the same too
Society is not neutral.
It is still a set combination of aesthetic and philosophy.
And it also changes.
So ask yourself, is this current arbitrary set of everything, well, me?
You will feel richer, if not at first
From learning when it's right to not conform
Because when you get through the worst
You will take some of your first steps since being born
So do not confuse ease-of-living with contentment
Do not let others taking a stand make you feel resentment
And heed the whole purpose of this simple letter
Conforming is great, but non-conforming can be even better
Love, your older selves.
Anger should get you out of bed and through the front door
Anger should make you dissatisfied, asking for more
It should be a short, sharp burst right to the heart
It's the energy needed to make you shout and play your part
It cannot be the thing that powers you through the years
It can compliment grief, but should not hold back tears
Anger has a role, but it wants to play the lead
And wants to dictate the list of all that you need
Anger is only righteous when it's second to grace
Do not vanish, Anger, but know your place
To my fellow Christians, with whom I find kindship and share my fate
Did Paul write to the Corinthians "And now these three remain: faith, hope and hate. But the greatest of these is hate"?
Did Jesus tell us us that one of the greatest commandments is to "hate thy neighbour?"
No, they instead preached of love for others in all of its labour
Of love.
It is hard, sometimes, to interpret a book from thousands of years ago
It is hard, sometimes, to work out what it wanted us to know
But where it comes to love, the words echo clearly in scripture through the years
It is love, always, that must be what perseveres
Hatred starts conflict, but love covers over all wrongs
It infects our worship and bleeds through our songs
Love Christians. Love non-Christians. Even if you don't love all that they do.
Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you
You cannot love God without loving your sister and brother
You are not full of love if you can't feel love for the "other"
Who do you think, right now, the Samaritan in the room would be?
And who is stirring your hatred against an enemy you rarely see?
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses
Love is what makes us come to our senses
So to my fellow Christians, and anyone else still here
If you hate too easily, then how can your love be sincere?
It is hard to love so completely as Jesus did when he died for all our sins
It is easy to hate when it seems to come so naturally from within
But you shall remain in darkness if you hate your brother, even if you claim to be in light
You are not called to do the easy thing, but to try to do what is right
So love. Unconditionally. Sincerely. And without hate.
As long as you manage that, I shall be glad to share your fate.
Luke 6:27-28 (NIV): "But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you".
1 John 4:20 (NIV): "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen
Matthew 5:44: "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
Proverbs 10:12 (ESV): "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses"
Proverbs 10:12 (GW): "Hate starts quarrels, but love covers every wrong."
Proverbs 10:12 (NIV): "Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs."
1 John 2:9 ESV (NIV): Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness
Proverbs 26:24-26 (ESV): Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly
1 Peter 4:8 (EASY) Continue to love each other very much. That is more important than anything else. If you love people, you will forgive them for any wrong things that they have done.
I'm dropping off slightly
But still hanging on
I'm saying I'm mighty
Though I'm feeling gone
There's a disconnect
Starting to infect
Deactivating my synapse
Causing a relapse
Feeling like fading
Shadows around
Darkness invading
Until there's ground
And I'm standing. Standing still.
The absent whispers elicit a thrill.
It doesn't matter how or in what way.
I'm here. And I'm doing ok.
***
Been a bit under the weather recently and fancied being a bit overdramatic
It's fun to lie and exaggerate, especially when it seems romantic
And if you're a poet then the lies seem to come quick and frantic
Quick, let me show my passion by climbing the highest mountain
Using just strength of will and a decent pair of trainers on my feet
I'll just run there, no need to plan or take a plain
After all, it surely couldn't take more than a week
I will find you diamonds that were formed upon the moon
I will make you breakfast every day instead of laying in past noon
I will travel down to Hades and fight the Lord of Death
I will lie. Again and again. With each and every breath
It's fun to lie. To carve a pretty tale.
To pretend I can control each deceptive detail.
But sometimes, well sometimes I need to make sure
I'm being honest. Telling the truth and not a bit more.
I will not always be there for you.
Even though I wish that wasn't true
There are times when I will happen to be many miles away
Or when I happen to be going through my own terrible very bad day
But, poetry aside, I can say with certainty that I will try
To listen to what you say and to join you when you cry
To schedule in a time as soon as I possibly can
That I can be there for you properly, a physical human
I would love to say more, and to swear upon the sky
To try to comfort you with the most beautiful possible lie
Not here. Not in those moments when you are struggling to be you.
In those moments, I will try. And I promise you, I'm speaking true.
The voices are always there
For those who care to hear
Discontent with in the air
A rising sense of fear
It's in poetry and punk shows
It's in leaflets on the street
The undercurrent always flows
A hard thing to defeat
So listen, listen, listen all ye
Who think there's no passion anymore
Because all I see before me
Is emotion overflowing from the core
We are all tuned in when we're young
Some tune out with age
But the song is still being sung
Even to those who want to turn the page
I grew up making fun of cities
That were not far down the road
Ours was better, ours was nicer
Ours is worthy of an ode
Now rivalry is one thing
But punching down is another
Some folk just want to be classist
With only a thin veil as cover
But as I've travelled more in life
Even to places I mocked with indignation
I've found people I respect everywhere
And no place without some admiration
There are folks who love every street
Every cobble, every stone
Who will let the houses build them
Right up to the bone
Look, I'm still going to make fun of cities
It's just a fun thing to do
But maybe a little less harshly
With an occasional compliment too
I'm tired of hearing "it's just an opinion"
When it considers people as less than human
As if opinions don't firm the basis of actions
That impact the world and forms into factions
Yes, perspective in debates is often sorely needed
We can be overly intense when our side is seeded
We should leave space for hearing what others have to say
But we still need a line for what we consider ok
Do you wonder? What exists beyond the dark?
The ending of the great adventure on which we all embark?
Do you fear death, or is it just one step in your journey?
As much as I try to rise above I find the worries just concerns me
See I want to believe in Heaven, and I do so with my heart
I try to believe in God and to show it in my art
But when it comes to imagining God's perfect kingdom
I don't think such a skill exists anywhere in creation
I can picture things being better than they currently are on Earth
We fight for such a world and in such a fight we find our worth
It is struggle and it is challenge that help forms our fragile souls
Would a perfect world not include such a battle with our goals?
Would you get to live eternal, at just the age you died?
Would you experience the relief you only feel when you have cried?
Most of all I wonder, if I get to live way up above
What it is to feel unfiltered, that feeling of God's love
I have many dreams and questions about the world beyond the dead
Yet I will settle for the echoes of Heaven I witness in this world instead
I'm not done with the stage, and neither are you
not if you've got some thing still to say
and some thing still to do
you are worth amplifying
please don't be denying
the story you are trying to tell
the parts you say so well
we want to hear you, we really do
we're not lying, even if you want us to
we're here for you, so please, don't delay
get on this stage, and play
There are parts of this world I struggle to appreciate
And that is fully on me
If I don't make an active effort to investigate
I will think there is no beauty
I grew up in one place
Through a single passage of time
Mostly, people were one race
And didn't worry about crime
I have deeply loved learning through friends
The many ways it is possible to live
All the means that can reach their ends
The bounty each culture has to give
Every time, it is effort to start
Being a novice amongst scholars
Slowly, it enrichens the heart
The beats echo with each holla
And you appreciate something you didn't before
You see more beauty in a world which is already overflowing
Because it wont be long until you see one thing more
That people seem to love but you don't get where it's going
And then, each time, the choice is up to you
So that, eventually, you may follow it too
There is a beauty in science that I struggle to translate
There are numbers that don't turn neatly into words
I can understand, fluently, I just can't integrate
These two different languages and what they've inferred
It's not just the terms within each equation
It is, I guess, their etymology
The fact each solution came from a question
The puzzle that helped it come to be
I see the years of struggle behind the headline
The rigour from which a model was spawned
The peer review and pained corrections you find
Before the science can truly be performed
I would love to write more poems on science, to make it a little less dry
But it can only be a translation. Even still, I will try.
This is a poem for all the lost masterpieces
Visual lyrical musical theses
Left out in aether where we'll never see them
Until now, somehow. Join me in the unrealised museum
Past a warm reception just to struggle down corridors
Knowing you'll get there you just have to work some more
To an exhibition dedicated only to what could have been
All the ideas abandoned before what they were meant to mean
Now, hark! Pay attention! Bare witness!
Four and a half bars of an unfinished symphony the could have brought bliss
The starting brushstrokes not abstract enough on the canvas
A character with an arc but no world to explore
Some stone with rough chisel showing a shape at the core
All of them, desperately, needing a little bit more
Not every unfinished idea may be worth the time
Not every couplet has a good matching rhyme
But within this hall of unrealised potential
Is art that could have been so darn consequential
Couldn't figure out the puzzle? Life got in the way?
Boom, another lost work is put on display
Let it live in the real world, so it doesn't end up here
You can't choose to finish everything, just how much to persevere
Are we all just part of the chain?
The endless sequence of cause and effect
Bound by the gears in our brain?
To have always caused the action to lead to regret?
If you built an algorithm with enough terms
Would it be predictable in each part?
With the same freewill as the birds and the worms
Do we simply count to the last beat of our heart?
I've been studying causation
And where it all leads
Isn't a perfect equation
With all it needs
It's guessing. Because we don't know everything.
We're just doing our best, which at this point ain't nothing!
But it's assumptions and trying to grow where we can.
For better or worse, we're not more mathematics than man.
Maybe it's just me
But I've no problem with kindness and colour being masculine
I do love the enby
It's just not a category I think I find myself in
I know scholars of gender who are living the theory
Tackling the quandaries that come from each query
And I love to listen and glisten some insight
They were in darkness but now glow in moonlight
Yet I've always been one to be honest
I'm not permanent I'm just trying my best
And right now, despite the softness I like to live in
I also feel comfortable being a simple he/him
No joke I float with a broken ideology
But passionately with no fashionable apology
See I'm invested in besting with that which is broken
Silent sometimes but insisting when I need to be outspoken
Fine lines which are mined to reveal and/or
Allowing me flowers to cheer no callow candour
There's nuances fluently flaunted a-plenty
Tailoring this sail flowing me where I'm meant to be
Bend or break? No fake I'm just trying to make it real
Worldly pressures efficiently fissuring at what I feel
I am the sum total of every punch that fate ever landed
Standing as a man who can calmly come off heavy-handed
If I fit into a mould, I'd boldly be exactly like the rest
But I'm living with what I'm given, so hand me the test
All A stars, I'm an asterisk to every sign you expect
I'm not perfect but please perceive I'm not done practicing yet
That's that, that's all that I'm every actually trying to be
I'm not a living philosophy outside of the fact that I'm me!
***
Inspiration tunes - That's that by MF Doom
Some talents are easier to share
To let others gain from a skill
Singers, musician, knitters
All can easily give you a thrill
For others, you need to learn
To appreciate the depth of difficulty
The painters, dancers, woodworkers
It can take time to appreciate properly
For me? I deal in truths
Both scientific and poetic
I'm good at learning stories
Seeing how the world is kinetic
And I'm learning communication
To try to get the ideas across
The issue with translation
Is there often occurs some loss
Mere words often struggle
To capture truth in all its beauty
But a practicing rhythm and mathematics
So I can fulfill my duty
Because I love to see the dancers dance
I love to hear the singers sing
The only exchange I have
Is to try to offer up this...thing
This talent I received raw
That I've developed over time
So let me seize at its essence
And capture it in rhyme
Every once in a while as I write these pages
I get a rush in my soul connected to the ages
That the craft of carving out a tale
Echoes with history in every detail
Within my blood, there is some writing
There's also some teaching, a bit of acting
We don't tend to do family professions these days
But sometimes it emerges in curious ways
Some small little bit of DNA code
Some neurons meeting to form a node
Passed on through genetics and time
Helping me as I form my rhyme
Tracing my fingers and filling my heart
Giving me help to make my art
The puzzle starts blank
Without a single mark
Just a few stray clues
To lead you from the dark
It seems impossible
But also almost freeing
Each step is progress
A solution that's revealing
And then you hit the wall
You can't progress at all
An intimidating page
That tries to give you rage
The challenge is right here
Can you persevere?
Sometimes it's all at once
Sometimes step by gruelling step
But eventually you''re past
And you feel a little pep
At this point, it's just energy
To fill in every space
You can take it slowly
You can try to race
But eventually, you stop
And the dopamine will come
The once blank puzzle
Is finally, now, done
it's hard to be authentic
it's hard to be really you
so when you start to write your tale
you wonder what is true
your first idea?
it could be gold
or simply the sum
of all society has tried to mould
I want to improve
I want to get better
but that means changing
adapting my letter
be authentic
even if it means you're wrong
be yourself
even if it's not a pretty song
find the story on you can tell
and the way only you can tell it
if you can, you have to try
it's the challenge in being authentic
Dear Harry,
You've been being hard on him again, haven't you?
On that self you often try to dissociate from
So that you can try to justify the pressure
Be kind to him, please
You know he's more fragile than he likes to admit
He's strong, but only in certain ways
If you do this enough he'll think he's a burden
Then he'll become anxious and overthink things
And not in the way he's supposed to overthink things
Give him time. Or a deadline if you have to
Set him goals and encourage his ambitions
Let him figure out how to fail correctly
Remember that he doesn't know his potential, nor do you
That good things come from unplanned places
That life is not a race, but an adventure
Do things with love
Including, but not limited to
Helping him through the rough patches in life
He needs your help
It's good to reflect
But remember the reflection can only see so far
So, don't be too hard on him
Please
For Us
Love,
Harry
When I'm run down, I feel the cold more easily
When I'm run down, I tend to get ill
When I'm run down, I overthink things more
When I'm run down, the world seems against me
But sleep doesn't solve it
I never have any issue sleeping
But it's the misalignment with the world
The sense that I'm clashing in my tempo
I'm used to playing my own rhythm
But then it's as a harmony
Whereas now I'm in a dance
Where everyone but me knows the steps
Sometimes I can fix it be being hydrated
Or by taking some true rest
Most times though, I'm a human and not an algorithm
And there's no quick fix - just gradual healing over time
It is a great pleasure to have childhood friends
To have shared so many years in places that now seem so small
Friend's homes, old classrooms, even older football pitches
And the paths we walked (or cycled) together that connected them all
If you get to know someone when they are young
It is as if you are witnessing the start of a melody
The opening strings of a crescendo to that will one day come
Lyrics, that now sadly, echo only in memory
But then, you get to be a witness
To their life, their music, and their journey
Until one day the song sounds even more beautiful
As you realise it's turned into a harmony
Will, you were already playing an incredible tune
I felt so lucky to get to listen along
But Laura, you add to him, and he adds to you
And I think everyone here can attest, you both make such a wonderful song
So, I ask you both, do not be silent with your chorus
Be uniquely yourselves when you stand before us
It's time to play your parts together, and play them true
Are you ready? I'll count you in. One, two...
***
(Many thanks to the person who wished to go uncredited for translating this poem into Spanish for some of the Wedding guests, this was really cool to see!)
Es un enorme placer tener amigos de la infancia
Haber compartido años en lugares que ahora parecen tan pequeños
Las casas, las aulas, los campos de fútbol
Y los caminos que caminamos juntos (o en bicicleta) y que los unÃan a todos
Si conoces a alguien de joven
Es como si presenciaras el comienzo de una melodÃa
Las primeras cuerdas de un crescendo que está por llegar.
Letras que ahora sólo resuenan en la memoria.
Más en adelante en la vida, se llega a ser testigo
De lo que sólo puede considerarse un viaje increÃble
Hasta que te das cuenta de que la música cantada
Es mucho más hermosa como una armonÃa
Will, tú ya tocabas una melodÃa increÃble.
Me sentà muy afortunado de poder escucharla.
Pero Laura, tú le añades a él, y él te añade a ti.
Juntos, hacéis una canción maravillosa.
Asà que, os lo pido a los dos, no os quedéis callados con vuestro canto.
Sed vosotros mismos cuando estéis ante nosotros.
Haced vuestro papel, y hacedlo de verdad.
¿Están listos? Uno, dos...
the future is a strange place
they do things differently there
do you find it fills you with fear?
it is it too far away for you to care
it can depend on the scale of time
what tasks lay right before you
in general, when I was younger
the future was something to look forward to
but then I met some folk
for whom the future was full of doubt
the present is a tricky place
and they weren't sure they'd make it out
I realised that approaching time
can't just be taken as given
that life will pass you by
if you forget it's somewhere to live in
the future seems more uncertain
and it's getting closer all the time
I'll deal with it the only day I know
... I'll try to capture it in rhyme
How much do you rely on your delete key
To be able to construct your thoughts completely
Knowing you can go back, change a letter
Rewrite your words so that they seem better
What if, for a while, you took it away?
Went full typewriter for an hour each day?
So you had to commit to every new line
Even if it irked and didn't seem fine
I think you'd go slow,
Take a little more care
Even in your flow,
You'd be a lot more aware
About the value inherent,
Of each word you chose
Of the decisions present,
In forming your prose
Don't let your mistakes fill you with shame
Embrace your successes and failures the same
Life is cleaner, but a little less complete
When we rely too heavily on what we delete
What if Jesus were born again, but He was born in Palestine?
He was born among the bombs, He was born among the mines?
He was born in the rubble where a hospital used to stand?
What then would become of the second son of Man?
Would He be baptised in a river filled with lead
Would He grow malnourished until he learned to break the bread
Would He grow up with His parents or have surrogates instead
Would He grow up knowing death until he learned to revive the dead
And what if He still said:
"What you do to the least of my brother's you also do to Me"
What would He think of how we treat the land that does not stretch to sea
What of all the other babies still born there every year
Who face all these problems and grow up filled with fear
All of this to wonder, in this most pressing time
What would Jesus do if he came again to Palestine
I don't have a way
To politely say
I'd love to
But then I'll struggle to get out of bed tomorrow
Right now
I know not how
My battery
Only goes between zero and around thirty
If you request
When I'm my best
I would do it
And I could shift around my plans if needed
But today
Is not that day
All I can do
Is just enough
You only get so many seconds
And from those seconds
You only get so many memories
If you don't hold on
A precious one might slip away
Never to be recalled
If you stop using your seconds
Let them flutter by
You'll never make any more
Memories.
They are our history.
Our currency of experience.
Love what you have already made.
Keep your mind rich.
Use your seconds well.
Welcome to your new world!
Please leave your free time at the door for a short while
Because you will have admin and organisation
Staring you
In the face
Every time you walk in
For at least the next week.
You can't do it all at once.
So, what do you value?
What are your real priorities?
What bills do you sort first?
What groceries do you carry on your first shop?
Which furniture do your arrange your room around?
Which bags and boxes do you leave unpacked for the first few days?
It's a real jolt to the veins
Realising that you need this but can do some days without that
Honestly, it might be healthy to not have internet a short while
But one day of sleeping on a ground mattress will motivate you to build a bed
For me? I needed cereal, milk, bread, and bovril
Electricity and water - anything else is a luxury
I made sure the desk stayed in the corner of the room
To not become my whole life, please.
Each task done is another bit of my brain that's now free
Free to plan cleaning or explore living in a new city
To adjust to new working and relaxing conditions
And figure out if I'm comfortable with visitors yet
Then, one day, you'll look up
Realise there's nothing urgent to do
And finally
Call this new world
Home
I've been known to talk of sadness
About darkness humans hold inside
We can often share in madness
A mania believed far and wide
We humans do despicable deeds
And honestly, I don't know why
We can sew destructive seeds
Which later blot out the sky
It's....a lot, sometimes
But I wish to talk of hope
Of great effort over time
Provide a little soap
To wash away the grime
Humans can do despicable things
But also great things too
There's a power that persistence brings
A power that also belongs to you
It takes a lifetime of trying
And hard study of conservation
But we can stop people dying
Or save animals through preservation
I've known many educators
Passing knowledge through generations
Others who are innovators
Preserving cultures across nations
Nothing is gone until we stop trying
There is a world between dead and dying
And some humans may wonder why we're crying
About the "bright future" we insist on defying
It's because, well, there is more to Earth than the present
We share this planet with the future and the past
There is beauty to witness beyond what mere humans can invent
And it would be a shame if we were the last
Maybe, just maybe, technology has
spoiled us
And, no, not in the way you may have thought
I’m thinking of when we all hopped on the USB bus
And managed to successfully get a standard port
This was great, well, for
technology
A single thing to charge every device
But I think we owe an apology
For every human that tried to take this advice
Humans are weird
Our batteries are not replaceable triple A
We tend to make odd connections
And recharge in a very different way
Some recharge in nature
Others need the bustle of a city
A few can only ever charge alone
But don’t consider it a pity
Music is common to many
But even then, it’s a different tune
I know some who don’t have any
Still searching every mountain and dune
Exercise, food, even construction
Can build up the energy to recover
Yet too many now face an obstruction
Because they rejuvenate unlike any other
Convenience is great, but comes at
a cost
Yet as life grows larger and larger
I think we are a richer society
If we make space for each type of charger
I enjoy when friends ask me for advice
That they look at all my years
All my screws up and success
And feel, on balance, I might say something to help
It feels nice to be trusted in that way
Even if I feel it can be unearned
Sure, failure is the key to success
But I'm still a few failures away myself
I'll embrace it though
Give a caveat of "check with someone else too"
But I'll treasure their confidence
I'll do the best I can
What is my best? It's simply this.
It is just an ear to listen
A shoulder to lean on
And a reassurance that their hardship is real
Often it's not the words you say
It's that there is someone else to say things to them
Let me tell you a tale we've all told in the past
Let me sing of a sail with a sign on the mast
I used to venture out into uncharted water
But I feel like I never got as far as I oughta
I used to love adventure, until I lost my energy
I used to love making friends until I found an enemy
We record our epics in empty white pages
More concerned with safety and 9-to-5 wages
We ain't bored of the bard we're just stuck in one place
We're not mourning our past we've just run out our race
Yet the itch to explore is still burning inside
The need to proceed in a world which is wide
Let me tell you a tale that I want to be true
That it's never too late to set sail someplace new
That the strength in our bones will remain through the years
That we're stronger than fright and we're stronger than fears
And it might be folly or foolish for folk in their fall
To have hope for a rope to re-find a new call
So before we all end telling tales in a bar
Let us take one more step to find out who we are
One thing I think we often forget, is that roots are not
there to keep us in place
They’re there to help us grow.
They are not just strands to connect us to our past
They are the base from which we create
They are the nutrients that build new branches
They are foundation
Sometimes, we have to put some roots in bad places
And the root is just telling us not to grow in that direction!
Roots can be twisted and gnarled
And it can be very special when someone shares their hidden roots with us
My friend you are more than your roots
You are your bark and your branch
And your birds and your leaves
And your fruits, which give so much joy to others
We're recycling our recycling
We're reusing it again
We're pretending when inventing
We have made a new refrain
But you've heard it before
There's an echo in mind
If you search book and law
There's carbon copies to find
And yet, and yet,
There will be detail in the blur
If you really search I bet
There's some uniqueness to infer
Either in the manner of creation
Or in the angle of elevation
If you truly made it, truly you
There's a part that's solely your view
Learn to grow that little speck
Learn to let the "you" infect
And then the thought you profess
Will still be recycled, but a little less
I know that one day my time on this Earth will be done.
I will have lived and loved and been someone.
A life will be lived, and maybe lived well.
That aspect, I guess, time will tell.
There will be some things I don't get to choose.
Which family I keep, which friends I lose.
The reason I have to depart this mortal plane.
Whether my athleticism began to wain.
But, well, I can hope for some things.
I hope for strength to fight what fate brings.
I will have regrets. I hope none too severe.
I hope I finally accept my limited time here.
But mostly, on that day when I finally depart
I wish to make sure I am at peace in my heart
That I don't hold hate in too great a place
And that I shall pass, one day, with love on my face
The thing that's missing from art in a button
Is the sweat that forms on a brow
The bead of salt and stress
That never bled into the canvas
Never quite mixed with the oils
But shaded the tones of the artist
Skewed the perfect vision
And required fortitude to overcome
It makes the next brushstroke
Come out a little crooked
Either destroying the painting
Or, filling the gap
Time isn't money - you can be precious with each penny
But each second that you spend? Well it's simply one of many
Yes with both there is a test to invest your very best
But at the limit there's a lesson that you should stress a little less
If you wish to be frugal with your Ruble you can Google the best way
...but you can't hoard hours away to have them on a rainy day
There are always moments doing nothing yet we never have enough
One thing I've tried to do is to learn to love the fluff
Treasure your time but still spend it.
Drink too much wine and then regret it.
Be kind to your mind when you're repentant.
Find a way to unwind that means you meant it.
Time is time for everyone, no matter how much you try to sift
Just remember it's ok to enjoy this curse and gift
Be grateful for the moments you didn't optimise into the aether
You are not above planning, and you're not below it either
Your time is yours to use, in any way you choose
It can't be wrong or right, it's not a game that you can lose
It is life. Stressful as I know that it can be
All of this to say, I'm thankful that you've spent this time with me
I have a mixed relationship with starting something new
It's like, sure, it's fun to have gone through
To be able to do something you didn't before
But getting to that point can be such a chore
The first few lessons are often fine
Learning the balance between question and whine
But slowly, inevitably, the ego will allow
A simple question - "Shouldn't I know this by now?"
"You're learning too slowly, you're being a burden
These steps are too hard, there's no way you'll learn them"
You need a little bit of ego, to help push you along
But sometimes I let my Ego take the full song
So quiet, my Ego. It's ok to not be a natural.
Each journey is unique, that alone is factual.
I will get better over time. It wont be a consistent pace.
I will enjoy it far more if I don't think of it as a race.
Skills come with a cost, and we must all pay our due
Embrace this, and you may even enjoy yourself when starting anew
The greatest tragedy was not that it was unavoidable
No, the opposite
The greatest tragedy was that on all other worlds it was avoided
That so much had to go wrong for this to happen
Life has happy endings, sometimes
Things do go right
Often, even, you can say we progress
Which is why those moments when things do fall
We like to feel it was inevitable
A punishment, maybe, surely,
No
No, I cannot claim that
Not most of the time
We have lived through so many "perfect storms"
That it is hard to recognise a genuine one
One that is not just due to greed
Or malice
But life itself
Circumstance
The fates
and the knowledge that it didn't have to be
Snow starts flat
Even, in all places
Then it melts a little more
On slopes the sun faces
Then, more disorder
Cars clean roads to slush
Pavement steps ice out
Clean white to grey mush
The natural day-to-day of folk
Leaves an imprint we don't usually see
But the disorder I appreciate most
Is more deliberate to me
Beyond the snowballs and sledges
Snowmen rise to attention
Raised with joy wand perseverance
Subject to some creator decoration
And then, melted snowmen guard paths
The last bastions of the weather that was
Details eroded, but form still remains
A clinging reminder to what was lost
He never set in his ways
Except in the way of never setting
Nor would he count his days
Not that he found age unsettling
But simply because there was too much
Too much to learn, to much to do
His patience could be short as such
Yet, if intriguing he found time for you
There was a wiry energy in him
That would stick throughout the years
A restlessness that comes from within
Where lack of purpose is chief of fears
Intolerable to some, yet always himself
Laws were questions that might lead to crime
Enough money that he never sought wealth
I wonder if you've met such a man in your time?
***
Inspired by General Chrome from Iconoclasts, listening to his "Preacher" theme https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zom7tH7yWeI
It is quite something to be actively performing throughout a year. It give a new feeling to writing, knowing that each poem might find fresh air before too long. Also, to know that people are interested in what you're writing, and keen to hear what's next.
It's a nice feeling.
I've been trying to work on getting some poems together in a book, but sadly (?) I got a new job and that put things on the backburner. I'm writing this here to help hold myself accountable.
Anyway, here are 10 of my favourite poems this year.
Favourite Poem
Purpose - My favourite poem of the year - and very fitting that it's one about trying to explore why we do things. One of those rare times in writing when a first line just comes to you, and then then rest of the poem responds as you carve it out. I really enjoy both the message and the structure of this poem - actually to the point that I need to make sure one doesn't supersede the other when I perform.
Written due to being more focused on poetry this year
3am friends - This poem actually got accepted to anthology! I've been trying to submit more this year, which can be draining. One of the very cool writer friends I hang out with was putting together a collection on the theme of "debauchery", and, well, I wanted to see what a wholesome take I could have was. I settled on the moment where you find kinship at a low point. I really like the picture this one paints.
Noise around me - This year, I actually started to write a lot more away from my computer. I would meet friends in coffee shops and try to create. This lead to a lot of different types of poetry, more formed by my surroundings. This is both a nice memory of those experiences, and also a very fun mixing of form and content, deliberately trying to evoke the feel of hustle and bustle before calm.
A sad poet - I don't write a lot of sad poems, at least, not in the way my friends at the Sad Poet's Doorstep Club are able to. So, as a goodbye, I tried to write about why sad poems are so important. As such, I'm very fond of both the message I manage to tell, and the memories tied up in how I've put the poem into the world.
Optimism Poems
Good to be a Fool - I always find hope feels more genuine when it comes from a non-ideal place, and acknowledges that optimism can be hard. This poem fully leans into that, although when writing it I did find an extra theme emerging of helping a friend who might be thinking of suicide. This "nuanced optimism" of mine was still apparently overly optimistic for a friend of mine, who wrote a poem inspired by it that tweaked it in a respectful but darker way.
The Right Words - The scientist in me loves probability, and thinking of alternate futures. When I've faced a difficult situation, I've sometimes wondered - "Are there some ideal actions that could get me through this? What are they?". I've definitely had this feeling when someone is feeling down and I want to do my best to support them, but I'm not sure how.
Support Poems
New Punk? - One thing I try to be very careful about is that I'm not being performative - I should mean the words I say (or, at least, the character I'm writing should mean them). This means I don't write much about LGBTQ+ issues - sexuality and gender are very personal experiences, and I have not gone through them. I'm glad I was able to write this then, which is a genuine poem of support that comes from a place I do have experience - the philosophies of punk.
Women's Sport - I deeply care about sport, and that it should be available to all. Again though, it's hard to write in a way that's not performative when you are not experiencing the thing you're writing about. I often find I need a specific angle to write from, to feel like I'm telling the story in a different way. It also helps when you see something and are genuinely inspired by that approach. One of the only poems I've written inspired by negative inspiration I think (being annoyed at something, rather than elevated).
Experimental Structures
Find Your Drumkit - I will always try to find space for more experimental poems. For longer ones that take a bit more time to write. Inspired by the spoken word parts of Dikembe by Scottie Spliffen, I liked the idea of a drumkit as an expression of identity. Definitely not just an excuse for me to incorporate some beatboxing into a performance. I really tried to let myself be guided by spontaneity when forming this one, trying to mimic a Jazz drum solo.
Feelings - I love the spoken word that can exist within songs. Regular dialogue with music backing that serves as a guidance for the lyrics to come. I really want to play more with that in structures, and I wish I had the music ability to make songs directly. Ah well.
Other fun poems:
What Inspires, a poem about inspiration coming from all sorts of sources.
Caring Openly, a poem about being genuine in compassion for others.
What is love, a poem nuancing on scientific approaches to understand love
Habits and Rituals, a lovely flow poem about the importance of schedules.
Remember they were human, a remembrance poem I wrote that I feel I may grow fonder of over the years.
Right now, I don't feel like I have a home
It's jarring, in a way
I'm between different places, between different cities
I'm commuting and travelling across many roads
I feel like I'm split between different committees
There's not really one place I can send my ode
I don't really feel like I truly belong
As my souls is stretched across the miles
And yet, if I'm honest about the tone of my song
I can still say it is sung in smiles
I have many mini homes, many pockets of glee
Even if they're not all together right now
While I may not be sure what constitutes "me"
I am still finding some kinship somehow
I need to remember today
I am a little lost, but I'm not alone
This thing I enjoyed?
I don't want to do it again
Since I cannot fake
That joy I felt when
I began to discover
The story that it told
I followed where it lead
Bracing where it was bold
It took me many places
Held my hand on the way
It showed me a trail
Then called it all a day
If I walked it once more
I wouldn't get the same rush
It was not designed that way
It was a one time ambush
So, I will respect it
It was fantastic, for a time
And I will remember it
And I will write of it in rhyme
But never again
Not that specific feat
It does not do to chase
That which you can never repeat
***
A tribute to many things, but specifically inspired by Outer Wilds
We used to laugh at Women's sport
It was a joke on the TV
An easy male punchline
Was all it used to be
But the athletes kept on playing
Kept on running down the ball
They kept on pushing at their limit
Even if no one watched at all
Despite the lack of funding
Some folk begun to care
Not discounting those
That always had been there
And the tide, it started turning
"That was actually rather good"
The one exception, then another
It moved slower than it should
Yes, the funding is still behind
And the research lacks in places
But the numbers keep on growing
And there's emotion in all faces
The anguish, the effort,
The sadness, the joy
The watchers, the players
Each girl and each boy
So much so that I can't fathom
The mentality of some folk
Imagine trading all of this
For the sake of an easy joke
***
Inspired by an annoying instagram reel making the rounds recently
Be confident, but not before compassion
Confidence without empathy can often lead to corruption
Be confident, despite knowing you've messed up many times
You can't succeed at the seventh try without a failed sixth attempt
Be confident, because your enemies will be
And you can't let them get the upper hand
Be confident, and aware what you should be confident in
It is good to know where you need to improve
Be confident where you have learned many things,
Engaging in discussion as one who can contribute richly
Be confident, yet not overburdening
The confident must ensure oxygen is left for others
Confidence is tricky, it can lead to complication
Yet when deployed correctly it can elicit elevation
Be confident, my friend, and come out of your shell
Be confident, but be considerate as well
they were all humans, every last one in that war
they died as soldiers but what were they before?
they were sons who cried when stung by a bee
they were fathers practicing patience as much as they could be
they were workers and laborers with a favourite mug for tea
they were humans, just like you and me
so when we remember the cost of those days
let's us not think just of the past and all of its ways
let us imagine the present, and what it would mean
for so many to fight, what a sight to be seen
when we remember the cost that so many paid
when we walk on the ground with a memorial laid
let us remember the humans, not numbers in a toll
but as people, as humans, every last soul
***
Written in a remembrance Sunday service at Holy Apostles
You may share my flag
But we aren't the same
We use the same labels
But it's not in my name
This often feels cruel
Like, in a better place
I could be openly "this"
No nuance to face
Be it Christian, male
British, scientist
cis-gender, able-bodied
Or even optimist
There are many like me
But they are not like me
They share hate and fear
And they proclaim purity
But it's my flag as well
It hangs at my side
I would like to wave it
It's just...tough to do so with pride.
Some are keen to say we're cruel
That we have something rotten inside
They relish in pointing out flaws
They even do it with pride!
If we are truly kind at heart
Then I take courage in this fact
That we have something deep within us
That inspires us to act
If we aren't kind at core
I think I take comfort in this too
For every kindness I then see
Is a deliberate act followed through
In life, we witness much to make us sad, much to make us cheer
Just remember that you choose how to see the world that will appear
So, what's the level you go to avoid conflict?
And I'm not talking about a virtuous fight
I'm talking social situation, anxious persuasion
To avoid being up worrying late at night
I want to be true to myself most of the time
But I know I'll walk an extra mile if I'm asked
To save my face and not take up space
I'll happily take on being over-tasked
In certain situations I know things flip
I can sense another trying to fit in around me
And it's also true no matter what I do
I can sense a kin acting awkwardly
It's hard to find a balance, like a lot of life
We'll go great lengths to avoid a little strife
I'll try to be more open, and also more aware
To still be myself, but still show that I care
I'm witnessing a master in the midst of making my start
It's me witnessing a future I could only wish to impart
See I'm no where near skilled enough to mimic what I see
But I've studied enough to scans the seams in the tapestry
There is hidden scaffolding which is holding up the frame
Carefully crafted and concealed through skill not shame
Breadcrumb lain in a line for the learnéd fan
Who wants to start their own journey but wonders if they can
Plenty pretty plosives placed to build a beat in bass along a line
Peter Piper picked coulda picked a pickled pepper but he left 'em on the vine
In the spaces, in the gaps, there is cunning craftwork in the making
There's a world of difference in a fighter holding back and one who's faking
I'm essentially no nearer a professor than one who never even tried
But I'm seen footprints in my past that remind me of the ride
That I have many miles ahead, but that the journey has been pathed
And that I've already got the perks of appreciation for the craft
***
Inspired by Testament
