Top 10 of 2024

It is quite something to be actively performing throughout a year. It give a new feeling to writing, knowing that each poem might find fresh air before too long. Also, to know that people are interested in what you're writing, and keen to hear what's next.

It's a nice feeling.

I've been trying to work on getting some poems together in a book, but sadly (?) I got a new job and that put things on the backburner. I'm writing this here to help hold myself accountable. 

Anyway, here are 10 of my favourite poems this year.

Favourite Poem

Purpose - My favourite poem of the year - and very fitting that it's one about trying to explore why we do things. One of those rare times in writing when a first line just comes to you, and then then rest of the poem responds as you carve it out. I really enjoy both the message and the structure of this poem - actually to the point that I need to make sure one doesn't supersede the other when I perform. 

Written due to being more focused on poetry this year

3am friends - This poem actually got accepted to anthology! I've been trying to submit more this year, which can be draining. One of the very cool writer friends I hang out with was putting together a collection on the theme of "debauchery", and, well, I wanted to see what a wholesome take I could have was. I settled on the moment where you find kinship at a low point. I really like the picture this one paints.

Noise around me - This year, I actually started to write a lot more away from my computer. I would meet friends in coffee shops and try to create. This lead to a lot of different types of poetry, more formed by my surroundings. This is both a nice memory of those experiences, and also a very fun mixing of form and content, deliberately trying to evoke the feel of hustle and bustle before calm.

A sad poet - I don't write a lot of sad poems, at least, not in the way my friends at the Sad Poet's Doorstep Club are able to. So, as a goodbye, I tried to write about why sad poems are so important. As such, I'm very fond of both the message I manage to tell, and the memories tied up in how I've put the poem into the world.

Optimism Poems

Good to be a Fool - I always find hope feels more genuine when it comes from a non-ideal place, and acknowledges that optimism can be hard. This poem fully leans into that, although when writing it I did find an extra theme emerging of helping a friend who might be thinking of suicide. This "nuanced optimism" of mine was still apparently overly optimistic for a friend of mine, who wrote a poem inspired by it that tweaked it in a respectful but darker way.

The Right Words - The scientist in me loves probability, and thinking of alternate futures. When I've faced a difficult situation, I've sometimes wondered - "Are there some ideal actions that could get me through this? What are they?". I've definitely had this feeling when someone is feeling down and I want to do my best to support them, but I'm not sure how. 

Support Poems

New Punk? - One thing I try to be very careful about is that I'm not being performative - I should mean the words I say (or, at least, the character I'm writing should mean them). This means I don't write much about LGBTQ+ issues - sexuality and gender are very personal experiences, and I have not gone through them. I'm glad I was able to write this then, which is a genuine poem of support that comes from a place I do have experience - the philosophies of punk.

Women's Sport - I deeply care about sport, and that it should be available to all. Again though, it's hard to write in a way that's not performative when you are not experiencing the thing you're writing about. I often find I need a specific angle to write from, to feel like I'm telling the story in a different way. It also helps when you see something and are genuinely inspired by that approach. One of the only poems I've written inspired by negative inspiration I think (being annoyed at something, rather than elevated).

Experimental Structures

Find Your Drumkit - I will always try to find space for more experimental poems. For longer ones that take a bit more time to write. Inspired by the spoken word parts of Dikembe by Scottie Spliffen, I liked the idea of a drumkit as an expression of identity. Definitely not just an excuse for me to incorporate some beatboxing into a performance. I really tried to let myself be guided by spontaneity when forming this one, trying to mimic a Jazz drum solo.

Feelings - I love the spoken word that can exist within songs. Regular dialogue with music backing that serves as a guidance for the lyrics to come. I really want to play more with that in structures, and I wish I had the music ability to make songs directly. Ah well.

Other fun poems: 

What Inspires, a poem about inspiration coming from all sorts of sources.

Caring Openly, a poem about being genuine in compassion for others.

What is love, a poem nuancing on scientific approaches to understand love

Habits and Rituals, a lovely flow poem about the importance of schedules.

Remember they were human, a remembrance poem I wrote that I feel I may grow fonder of over the years.

For the first time in my top 10 lists, I'm including the poems below to make it easier to read.

***

Purpose

I've known people pushing pens through the passage of their lives

I've seen some who strive for husbands, some who strive for wives

Others counting coins like they're trying to cash in a high score

It's like we're all searching for a special something that won't leave us wanting more

Look, I'm sympathetic to a cause but I'm done pausing with no purpose

Cause I know what villains lurk within a life of feeling worthless

I ain't gonna pretend I'm deducing how to be producing a solution

I'm just a fellow sinner friend searching for some sort of absolution

If there is an equation I don't think I'm equal to the answer

I'm just messing around trying to lessen all the inequality

I'm mis-stepping among the stars, no partner to the cosmic dancer

Quavering a tune that I'm not sure was ever meant for me

I can't judge folk who find salvation, even if I don't agree with where they found it

We're all just floating specks of dust who are scared of being grounded

Pretending we can fly so we don't feel foolish when we fall 

Thinking we've found everything if we find anything at all

It's tiring, that driving force to find a purpose that's been steering us since birth

Maybe you're already worthy. Just by persisting on this Earth

***

3am friends

sometimes I wonder, do the right words exist for this moment?

the right string of sounds

that can make a bad day into a good day

to let someone know they are cared for

to stop the tears

to put the start of a smile on a face

we are not math problems

there is no solution that works for everyone

sometimes a weird sentence is needed

something unexpected

it can be obvious words too

or even barely any words at all

look, maybe you need the right words today

and just, whatever they are

if they exist

I hope you find them

***

Noise around me

I'm trying to focus, trying to write

trying to rhyme but things aren't right

there's noise and chatter and coughing and chiming

there's a family of five, and someone else crying

each word that I wrangle to rest on the page

it's an awesome achievement on this sonorous stage

because the dog is barking, a grandma is whining

it's the sound of hundreds of people unwinding

all played to the soundtrack of inoffensive pop

all of it designed to make my lines stop 

so I leave

I go for a walk

I slowly breath

no need to talk

I love conversation

just not all the time

I need hesitation

and the space between rhyme

but it's time to turn

there's work to repay

I will once more return

to the noise of the day

***

A sad Poet

Be sad, young poet

Absorb all you have heard

Be sad, young poet

Let your tears form words

See, tearful words may stain a page

They may filter sadness, turn it to rage

Act as a prism to put colour in air

Let anger rise within because the world's not fair

And turn the rage and the sadness and all the emotion

Into a killer few verses with a side of devotion

To a cause, rising voices that have been beaten down

Because behind the clenched fists and behind the frown

There is sadness at a world that could be more

It is hidden in the side streets and takes the floor

There are places where sadness can build something new

Be sad, young poet. So you can be truly you.

***

Good to be a fool

I may be a fool, but I believe there is good in this life

That there is kindness, there is hope, and reasons to kind through the strife

For it's only by believing in things that seem unlikely or bizarre

That I can even believe a heart can heal from its scar

I believe that tomorrow will always fight through the hardest today

That the moon and the Sun will dance across the Milky Way

I stupidly hope you will always be there to see it with me

If you feel like you're falling off the Earth, we can hold hands if need be

It isn't always easy to be a hopeful presence

It can be a sad world, hard for such ideas to survive

To be a fool in spite of evidence?

To keep believing, keep the faith alive?

I will do it alone. But why not be foolish with me?

Let's keep believing in a better world in spite of what we see

Let's light up a path to see where it will lead

Let's be naïve together, taking turns if we need

***

The right words

sometimes I wonder, do the right words exist for this moment?

the right string of sounds

that can make a bad day into a good day

to let someone know they are cared for

to stop the tears

to put the start of a smile on a face

we are not math problems

there is no solution that works for everyone

sometimes a weird sentence is needed

something unexpected

it can be obvious words too

or even barely any words at all

look, maybe you need the right words today

and just, whatever they are

if they exist

I hope you find them

***

New punk?

"TERFs are the new punk!!", apparently.

According to an X-Twitter trend.

I want to disagree inherently.

If feels wrong. Cheap. Pretend.

Maybe they are the new punk though?

Or, "new punk" to be specific.

The punk that sold out long ago.

The punk that just liked the aesthetic.

Punk written by middle-class TV writers who don't understand.

Who think punk was just butter adverts, rebellion, and spiky hair.

That a punk is someone who just whines their demand.

Sure, TERFs can call themselves "new punk", that's fair.

Trans is what punk was. Still is, in the right grimy venue.

The unwanted tune. The discordant strum. 

The vocals that can only come from a downtrodden view.

The ground roots thrashing of the drum.

Punk stands for something, not just in opposition.

The anger are the fruit but passion forms the trunk.

Leaving me to only one natural position:

You can keep the new, but Trans is the old punk.

***

Women's Sport

We used to laugh at Women's sport

It was a joke on the TV

An easy male punchline

Was all it used to be

But the athletes kept on playing

Kept on running down the ball

They kept on pushing at their limit

Even if no one watched at all

Despite the lack of funding

Some folk begun to care

Not discounting those

That always had been there

And the tide, it started turning

"That was actually rather good"

The one exception, then another

It moved slower than it should

Yes, the funding is still behind

And the research lacks in places

But the numbers keep on growing

And there's emotion in all faces

The anguish, the effort,

The sadness, the joy

The watchers, the players

Each girl and each boy

So much so that I can't fathom

The mentality of some folk

Imagine trading all of this

For the sake of an easy joke

***

Find Your Drumkit

 (Can prelude with some random beatboxing or tapping out rhythm on random objects)

Sometimes in life, I feel like I'm *happy beatbox*

Other times, I'm feeling a bit more funky like *jazz beat box*

Then, occasionally, I have to take it a little bit slower like *sad beat box*

But often I'm just feeling lost like *beat box where the final beat is uncertain*

Sometimes the best doesn't sound right on your tongue

It doesn't feel like it comes from the air in you lungs

But this isn't a poem about the right *b* or *k* or *p* or *ts* or any of those

It's a poem about finding you beats and finding your flows

Not about solving a tune to be academically true

But about finding the rhythm inside of you

it is *hard* to find your tempo

your timing

your intensity

But you do have it! be honest with yourself, you do have it!

Have you never felt yourself moving to a song?

Said a sentence that resonates?

Or had the urge to grab a pair of sticks

and hit them against some objects

just to hear what noise it makes?

I like to imagine a world where we all make our own drum kits

and every drum kit is made out of random objects

but they're things that resonate with us

things that snare us

build up our base

put skin in the game

are symbols of what we care about

and how we want the world to hear us

we don't learn how to make our own drum kits in school

if we are taught, it's like this :

Today, class, we are learning standard timings on standard kits

and some people are going to sound great on the kits the world has decided are standard

it's important to learn the basics

but we aren't going to have time or budget to teach you more than that

...some people never learn it's possible to make their own noise at all

wherever you're at in life, I hope you find your drumkit

I hope you get a chance to play it, as loud as you like sometimes!

I hope you all never forget that feeling of listening to someone who has found their own drumkit, and how cool they seem

you're going to want to take their role set, but you must resist the temptation

take a break or a high hat but you must create something uniquely your own

just, if you take anything from this, don't stop anyone from building something, even if it doesn't seem like a good arrangement

and build your own.

listen to other people because advice is good

but reject advice occasionally too

experiment

make random noises that shouldn't work

but just might

but only for you

make a drumkit no one else can make

and play it like only you can.

and then, let the world hear you play.

***

Feelings

y'know, maybe there's something to this whole true love thing?

    can't be.

why?

    well, if there were, I reckon more people would do it

I've been dabbling a little in a dark art

Celebrating an emotion previously kept deep in the heart

Trying to figure out if such a feeling is for me

Something I've previously only ever had the urge to flee

I'm not going full ice bath just quite yet

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is something I'm gonna regret

So I'm taking it slow, this methodical engineer

Is trying to let go and to face his fear

but why is it good to be vulnerable

    what do you mean?

i'm scared of doing things wrong

    but if you don't start, how will you ever do them right?

Home

Right now, I don't feel like I have a home
It's jarring, in a way

I'm between different places, between different cities
I'm commuting and travelling across many roads
I feel like I'm split between different committees
There's not really one place I can send my ode

I don't really feel like I truly belong
As my souls is stretched across the miles
And yet, if I'm honest about the tone of my song
I can still say it is sung in smiles

I have many mini homes, many pockets of glee
Even if they're not all together right now
While I may not be sure what constitutes "me"
I am still finding some kinship somehow

I need to remember today
I am a little lost, but I'm not alone

Repetition

This thing I enjoyed?
I don't want to do it again
Since I cannot fake
That joy I felt when
I began to discover
The story that it told
I followed where it lead
Bracing where it was bold
It took me many places
Held my hand on the way
It showed me a trail
Then called it all a day

If I walked it once more
I wouldn't get the same rush
It was not designed that way
It was a one time ambush

So, I will respect it
It was fantastic, for a time
And I will remember it
And I will write of it in rhyme

But never again
Not that specific feat
It does not do to chase
That which you can never repeat

***

A tribute to many things, but specifically inspired by Outer Wilds

Women's Sport

We used to laugh at Women's sport
It was a joke on the TV
An easy male punchline
Was all it used to be

But the athletes kept on playing
Kept on running down the ball
They kept on pushing at their limit
Even if no one watched at all

Despite the lack of funding
Some folk begun to care
Not discounting those
That always had been there

And the tide, it started turning
"That was actually rather good"
The one exception, then another
It moved slower than it should

Yes, the funding is still behind
And the research lacks in places
But the numbers keep on growing
And there's emotion in all faces

The anguish, the effort,
The sadness, the joy
The watchers, the players
Each girl and each boy

So much so that I can't fathom
The mentality of some folk
Imagine trading all of this
For the sake of an easy joke

***

Inspired by an annoying instagram reel making the rounds recently

Confidence

Be confident, but not before compassion
    Confidence without empathy can often lead to corruption

Be confident, despite knowing you've messed up many times
    You can't succeed at the seventh try without a failed sixth attempt

Be confident, because your enemies will be
    And you can't let them get the upper hand

Be confident, and aware what you should be confident in
    It is good to know where you need to improve

Be confident where you have learned many things,
    Engaging in discussion as one who can contribute richly

Be confident, yet not overburdening
    The confident must ensure oxygen is left for others

Confidence is tricky, it can lead to complication
Yet when deployed correctly it can elicit elevation
Be confident, my friend, and come out of your shell
Be confident, but be considerate as well

Remember they were human

they were all humans, every last one in that war
they died as soldiers but what were they before?

they were sons who cried when stung by a bee
they were fathers practicing patience as much as they could be
they were workers and laborers with a favourite mug for tea
they were humans, just like you and me

so when we remember the cost of those days
let's us not think just of the past and all of its ways
let us imagine the present, and what it would mean
for so many to fight, what a sight to be seen

when we remember the cost that so many paid
when we walk on the ground with a memorial laid
let us remember the humans, not numbers in a toll
but as people, as humans, every last soul 

***

Written in a remembrance Sunday service at Holy Apostles

My flag

You may share my flag
But we aren't the same
We use the same labels
But it's not in my name

This often feels cruel
Like, in a better place
I could be openly "this"
No nuance to face

Be it Christian, male
British, scientist
cis-gender, able-bodied
Or even optimist

There are many like me
But they are not like me
They share hate and fear
And they proclaim purity

But it's my flag as well
It hangs at my side
I would like to wave it
It's just...tough to do so with pride.

Cruel or kind

Some are keen to say we're cruel
That we have something rotten inside
They relish in pointing out flaws
They even do it with pride!

If we are truly kind at heart
Then I take courage in this fact
That we have something deep within us
That inspires us to act

If we aren't kind at core
I think I take comfort in this too
For every kindness I then see
Is a deliberate act followed through

In life, we witness much to make us sad, much to make us cheer
Just remember that you choose how to see the world that will appear

Conflict-avoidance

So, what's the level you go to avoid conflict?
And I'm not talking about a virtuous fight
I'm talking social situation, anxious persuasion
To avoid being up worrying late at night

I want to be true to myself most of the time
But I know I'll walk an extra mile if I'm asked
To save my face and not take up space
I'll happily take on being over-tasked

In certain situations I know things flip
I can sense another trying to fit in around me
And it's also true no matter what I do
I can sense a kin acting awkwardly

It's hard to find a balance, like a lot of life
We'll go great lengths to avoid a little strife
I'll try to be more open, and also more aware
To still be myself, but still show that I care

Habits and Rituals

If habits are habitual 

then living is a ritual

we have our list of tasks that we have to do each day

But a thing you need to figure

is that days do not get bigger

which seems to limit our dedication as we go about our way

The water in the river

needs to flow and shiver

as it incrementally carves the channel that will take it to the sea

So make your big devotion

and sat the world in motion

just remember that progress is still progress even when you make it slowly

Seeing the master

I'm witnessing a master in the midst of making my start
It's me witnessing a future I could only wish to impart
See I'm no where near skilled enough to mimic what I see
But I've studied enough to scans the seams in the tapestry

There is hidden scaffolding which is holding up the frame 
Carefully crafted and concealed through skill not shame
Breadcrumb lain in a line for the learnéd fan
Who wants to start their own journey but wonders if they can

Plenty pretty plosives placed to build a beat in bass along a line
Peter Piper picked coulda picked a pickled pepper but he left 'em on the vine
In the spaces, in the gaps, there is cunning craftwork in the making
There's a world of difference in a fighter holding back and one who's faking

I'm essentially no nearer a professor than one who never even tried
But I'm seen footprints in my past that remind me of the ride
That I have many miles ahead, but that the journey has been pathed
And that I've already got the perks of appreciation for the craft

***

Inspired by Testament

Feelings

y'know, maybe there's something to this whole true love thing?
    can't be.
why?
    well, if there were, I reckon more people would do it

I've been dabbling a little in a dark art
Celebrating an emotion previously kept deep in the heart
Trying to figure out if such a feeling is for me
Something I've previously only ever had the urge to flee
I'm not going full ice bath just quite yet
I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is something I'm gonna regret
So I'm taking it slow, this methodical engineer
Is trying to let go and to face his fear

but why is it good to be vulnerable
    what do you mean?
i'm scared of doing things wrong
    but if you don't start, how will you ever do them right?

An offering to Muse

Dear Muse 

I have come to make another offering of experience and memory

wrapped up in emotional filters and personal bias

please, please, help me turn this into something new

let me take these thoughts and feelings and create

with the stitches hidden behind folds of metaphor

where the seams are good contrast rather than shoddy craftsmanship

so that only a trained eye can see where it all falls apart

my Dear Muse, who finds philosophy in the mundane and routine in excitement

I have journeyed long

help me not to falter

to finish what I create

to keep unique in my craft 

and to find more offerings which can blend with the first

see, my Muse

You may be a product of this human algorithm of neurological processes and interpretations

but with some spark of soul and creativity 

I will keep spinning lines from axons 

I will touch the shared consciousness beyond my own

And try to make something greater than myself

Muse, whatever you are

help me create

one more time

and then one more

A sad poet

Be sad, young poet
Absorb all you have heard
Be sad, young poet
Let your tears form words

See, tearful words may stain a page
They may filter sadness, turn it to rage
Act as a prism to put colour in air
Let anger rise within because the world's not fair

And turn the rage and the sadness and all the emotion
Into a killer few verses with a side of devotion

To a cause, rising voices that have been beaten down
Because behind the clenched fists and behind the frown

There is sadness at a world that could be more
It is hidden in the side streets and takes the floor
There are places where sadness can build something new
Be sad, young poet. So you can be truly you.

***

A small poem for the Sad Poet's Doorstep Club, as thanks for the time I spent there

Keeping up habits

When you're keeping up something by habit
Sometimes you wonder if you should just let it end
Habits are hard and they eat up your time
Which can make them a tough thing to defend

I have broken many habits
Many streaks in life have stopped
Some, I have even restarted
Trying to pretend they never dropped

The extra time is nice, but there's something nicer
Something you don't see in the day to day
Progress. Progress that only comes with resilience.
It takes time to progress a skill from bad to ok

Today, if I could choose, I would stop. Cease flowing.
But the me in a year will likely be glad I kept going.

Fate

I don't know if I believe in Fate
But I believe in the chances She brings
I don't know if She is real
But I know not to reject Her offerings

We have less control over our ride through life
Than many motivational speakers would have you think
This randomness can cause us all much strife
Y'all talk of swimming? I'm trying to float so I don't sink.

I can only do so many tasks
Within the days I have been given
There's only so much time to bask
And so many days to be truly living

So I will do my best to seize upon whatever falls my way
Try to make my best tomorrow by not missing out today

Binary Steps

It's time to stop thinking so much in binaries
And embrace the in-betweens
Stop thinking yes or no
When it's ok to be maybes

This insistence of one side or the other
Always at an extreme
It misses the fantastic idea
Of probabilities

I'm not talking centrism, 
More of progress
Managing to get half way
Is not more or less

There is more than winning
If you give it your all
Having flown a few seconds
Is not lessened by a fall

Stop judging everything as simply a success or a fail
And I guarantee you will tell a much richer tale

Fires in the fields

How do you see the world?
Is it happy, is it sad?
Is it mostly one, the other?
I think we all feel it's a little mad

But it is a different shade we see
Tinted by our life and struggle
Suffering, and celebration
How we dealt with trouble

I know some see these fields
As darkness with only little light
That we may put in great effort
Yet always lose ourselves to night

When I meet those folk
Who see warmth as only fleeting
I feel a little of their sadness
That the darkness might be defeating

Then I steel to my core
And I light my fire high
And I will burn with brightness
And I know the reason why

Because I do not think the world
Is unhappy at its core
And I do not think as humans
That we cannot fight for more

We have conquered some diseases
We have learned to sail the sky
We can speak across all boarders
And we fail but still we try

For the good moments aren't just moments
The light is just as strong as dark
If you see the world a little with me
The I will share with you my spark

Shared life

It's a tale you've heard a thousand times
It's a tale you've never heard before
It's where I've come from and who I am
And me figuring out what I'm here for

I was born, I grew tall
I studied, I got a job
I did things the same as you all
Made me just one of the mob 

But just because we were all born
That doesn't mean it wasn't a journey
We all experience the night and the morn
So we all say "it doesn't concern me"

We are all unique, we call a different place home
We all take a separate path on this earth
But every step forms us, even if not just our own
We are still defined by those things we share since birth 

We are alone, together.
We move different directions in a crowd
You are yourself, that's true forever
But it's ok to have shared an experience, and still be proud 

Beyond the end

I began at my beginning
But I'll do my best not to end at my end
This world will soon outlast me
There will still be a future to defend

So let me leave a legacy
Not of wealth and gold
But of selfless acts of kindness
And of tales to be told

I hope that in my studies
I advance what we know a little
I hope I built people up
Rather than trying to belittle

I hope that with my poems
I can raise a spirit that's in need
That the words I'm writing now
Can build and they can breed

So that all that I have done
And all that I will ever do
Will maybe inspire someone
And that someone could be you

For a legacy is grand to tell the tale of a man
But it's best when it invests in a new story, if it can

Find your drumkit

 (Can prelude with some random beatboxing or tapping out rhythm on random objects)

Sometimes in life, I feel like I'm *happy beatbox*
Other times, I'm feeling a bit more funky like *jazz beat box*
Then, occasionally, I have to take it a little bit slower like *sad beat box*
But often I'm just feeling lost like *beat box where the final beat is uncertain*

Sometimes the best doesn't sound right on your tongue
It doesn't feel like it comes from the air in you lungs
But this isn't a poem about the right *b* or *k* or *p* or *ts* or any of those
It's a poem about finding you beats and finding your flows
Not about solving a tune to be academically true
But about finding the rhythm inside of you

it is *hard* to find your tempo
your timing
your intensity

But you do have it! be honest with yourself, you do have it!
Have you never felt yourself moving to a song?
Said a sentence that resonates?
Or had the urge to grab a pair of sticks
and hit them against some objects
just to hear what noise it makes?

I like to imagine a world where we all make our own drum kits
and every drum kit is made out of random objects
but they're things that resonate with us
things that snare us
build up our base
put skin in the game
are symbols of what we care about
and how we want the world to hear us

we don't learn how to make our own drum kits in school
if we are taught, it's like this :
Today, class, we are learning standard timings on standard kits
and some people are going to sound great on the kits the world has decided are standard
it's important to learn the basics
but we aren't going to have time or budget to teach you more than that

...some people never learn it's possible to make their own noise at all

wherever you're at in life, I hope you find your drumkit
I hope you get a chance to play it, as loud as you like sometimes!
I hope you all never forget that feeling of listening to someone who has found their own drumkit, and how cool they seem
you're going to want to take their role set, but you must resist the temptation
take a break or a high hat but you must create something uniquely your own

just, if you take anything from this, don't stop anyone from building something, even if it doesn't seem like a good arrangement
and build your own.
listen to other people because advice is good
but reject advice occasionally too
experiment
make random noises that shouldn't work
but just might
but only for you

make a drumkit no one else can make
and play it like only you can.

and then, let the world hear you play.

A clean breath

a clean breath is a gift

with air that's great to taste

to give your chest a lift

hold it. there, in place

let it rest a little on your tongue

let it rest a little in your lungs

and when you then exhale 

enjoy the whistle it has sung

give a little sigh

for a good breath that played its part

never question why

it felt a rushing purpose to depart

breathing ain't always easy

even though we do it every day

embrace a breath that enter cleanly

before it goes away

***

dedicated to my fellow asthmatics

What is love?

As a young academic who was learning his craft
I was once assigned a near-impossible task
My superior knew it, though they wore a stoic mask
As they asked me to define with only a hint of a laugh:

What is love?

Now the humour here is clearly twofold
Baby don't hurt me, but I believe it's a lyric of old
But also, well, what am I meant to write?
This answer eludes academics all day and night

See, there is not an atom of love we've yet detected
It does not seem a disease, though you can be infected
The force of love can be felt but not measured
Love can break in a second or spend decades unweathered

We can claim it's simply a biological drive
Love only exists as a means to survive
Or chemically find oxytocin vasopressin the brain
But to claim this is love would be slightly insane

So, what then?

Well, I feel that, as an academic, love is best served
By acknowledging that its effects can be simply observed
But not just by recording attraction and affection
Instead more broadly defining it by a connection

As more than just lust and acting passionately
Love is what allows people to act irrationally
To love is to sacrifice, for once the seeds are sown
Love allows you to put another's needs before your own 

It is what makes us do the washing up, even when we tire
Love is second jobs and letting old interests expire
Love is making a fool of yourself to get a smile from someone "feeling fine"
Love is being willing to put every aspect of yourself on the line 

What is love?

I returned to my superior with these odd results to present
Love is weird to observe, it doesn't often make sense
Love could be smaller than atoms but it's a force like no other
Love is when you would lay down your life for another

***

Inspiration - John 15v13: No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life

Euros 2024

it is what it means to care
to believe with all your heart
though at times you may be broken
it is better still to start

it is easy to be cynical
to hate with a heart of stone
you will still hear us faithful whisper
that one day, it will come home

***

Written on the evening of another England Men's team loss

Confidence

Do you want to know one of the odder life lessons I've learned?
It's that confidence is a really useful trait
That ability to convince yourself of your own abilities
It helps you to achieve beyond anything else

But, well, also it's good to be able to recognise it
To see the tell-tale signs of a confident human
It allows me to appreciate this admirable trait
But also, well, helps me make sure I don't confuse it for something else

The loudest person in a room is rarely the wisest
The most loyal is not always the first to shake hands
Intelligence can take so many forms
Talents do not always reveal themselves to the holder

It is one of the most beautiful things in life
When someone who isn't confident feels emboldened
A hesitant trust in the circumstances before them
A new step that is not taken lightly

So be confident! If you can.
You might well be stronger than you think
Just remember confidence is powerful.
And power can be used in many ways.

So if you are blessed with confidence
Be confident in others. Share your gift

The World Below

Beneath this place of grass and stone
Beneath the field, beneath the home
There lies a world we never see
An infusion of geology and history 

Deep deep down and then some more
There lies a molten magma core
Rocks and dirt and then some soil
Surely too deep down for us to spoil?

Sadly our reach is further than we think
There's no depths to which we cannot sink
We all create waste in many places
Taken away on a weekly basis

Taken where? where did it go?
Be honest now, do you know?
Dumped somewhere that barely shows
To slowly, quickly, decompose

Gases will rise, liquids go down
The stones beneath us start to drown
Those waterways that irrigate our crops?
Pollution does not make it stop

Combine with pits and pipes and quarry
It forms a tale to make us worry
Of the scale of human wastage on repeat
For those brave enough to look beneath our feet

***

Written at a St Nick's Environmental workshop focussing on waste 

Wilderness

the wilderness is wild

untamed, like a child

but similar to the young

there's much it can become

you can tame it in a way

form tomorrow from today

just be careful, as you do

not to turn the wilderness into you

***

A 100-second poem, written at a St Nick's Environmental workshop

To belong

I just want to feel like I belong
But also that I'm not trapped
That I fit in with the crowd
Without feeling like it all could collapse

Because I like to change
I like to be strange
I like my habits
I hope it
Can keep me
Emphatic

And loving the things that I love
While finding new things to also love
I'm ok with breaking the mould
Flowing as fate's fingers unfold

I want to feel like I belong
But labels don't seem to stick to me
I want to join others in song
I just struggle to stick to a symphony

While the crowd that I'm in
Keeps on harmonizing
Such a beautiful tune
I might get it soon
But my tempo
Is solo

And I don't want it to be
I just want to feel like I belong

purpose

I've known people pushing pens through the passage of their lives
I've seen some who strive for husbands, some who strive for wives
Others counting coins like they're trying to cash in a high score
It's like we're all searching for a special something that won't leave us wanting more

Look, I'm sympathetic to a cause but I'm done pausing with no purpose
Cause I know what villains lurk within a life of feeling worthless
I ain't gonna pretend I'm deducing how to be producing a solution
I'm just a fellow sinner friend searching for some sort of absolution

If there is an equation I don't think I'm equal to the answer
I'm just messing around trying to lessen all the inequality
I'm mis-stepping among the stars, no partner to the cosmic dancer
Quavering a tune that I'm not sure was ever meant for me

I can't judge folk who find salvation, even if I don't agree with where they found it
We're all just floating specks of dust who are scared of being grounded
Pretending we can fly so we don't feel foolish when we fall 
Thinking we've found everything if we find anything at all

It's tiring, that driving force to find a purpose that's been steering us since birth
Maybe you're already worthy. Just by persisting on this Earth

 

Brain away

I hate those times when your brain doesn't feel like yours
You're tired, you're ill, you're hungry
You're not you

You can't solve problems you usually solve
You can't tackle the day to day
You can't focus, can't get energy

Touch your arm. It's still yours.
The legs seem the same unless they get pins and needles
There's still the same scars from past incidents
The hair may be messy but it's definitely yours

It's just, inside the head
There's a dissociation occurring
There's a disconnect

The instructions don't come as quick
The nervous highway is... just...
Coordination isn't...

I want to be clever here.
But the lines aren't coming.

I want to feel like me again.

paths of nature

It is only in the realm of plant and toad
That one can take the less-walked road
The streets of men? They do not waver
They do not bend like paths of nature
All designed by careful planner
Formed by ruler, map, and scanner
Designed to help the traffic flow
To quickly quickly help you go

the boulevards among the plants
will still help you to advance
but in a slightly more holistic way
that does not count seconds in the day
formed by a committee that will never meet
the earth streets appear beneath their feet
yet you can ignore it all if you choose to
and start a natural path that's just for you

Green

Sometimes I feel sad that I can't see more in green

That it all blurs together when I see a scene

For though Nature paints a picture with whites and browns and blue

There can never be a doubt about Nature's favourite hue

The green atop a canopy will always see the sun

The green upon the ground is a green that's just begun

The green upon a stem or even the green upon a leaf 

They all tell different tales that are nigh beyond belief 

There is such beauty and such stories in all these colours mean

Such a pity that my eyes will still see them all as green

***

Written at a St. Nick's Nature Workshop

3am friends

are there any relations like those formed at 3am
twixt sober and hungover, twixt stranger and friend
the world is not right, and neither are you
things are rarely this raw, this honest, this true
you've both done things of which you're not really proud
things the waking world would not have allowed
and you're talking in a way your mouth often forbids
with a little slurring and with half-open eyelids
it is therapy for those too scared to admit that's something they need
it is sharing too much, the destruction of greed
even though in the real morning you'll be filled with shame
you'll look back and may not remember their name
right now you're both sat with back to grimy walls and the smell of stale piss
right now you don't care, right now this is bliss
because in this lonely world you've finally dropped your protection
because in this lonely world you've finally made a connection

Caring openly

I want you to know I care for you 
But I'm scared of coming off too strong
I want them to you I care for you
But I don't want you to prove me wrong

Guard strong, my feelings!
Don't be swayed by passion this day
Guard strong, my feelings!
Don't let your traitorous heart betray

Society wont let you be open
Vulnerability is not a valued trait
Should I be closed forever then?
Or, for how long should I wait?

No, no, fuck all that toxicity
The feeling I can't act openly
I will talk compassionately
I will live with honesty

Hey. You are special to me.
And also to other people too.
We love you unconditionally.
Just for being you.

King of Darkness

There is beauty in the darkness
That lies along the world
There is a shimmer in the sadness
That will slowly be unfurled

And there are artists that can see
Who can capture it in frame
Who can snap the misery
Without losing their refrain

There is a real talent
In capturing the shadow
It might be heaven-sent
Or it might come from below

But it is not an easy trek
I have travelled once or twice
Just to see, just to check
If I can bare to pay that price

I can travel to the edge
Just to glimpse within
Being careful of the ledge
Making sure I don't fall in

Some people play pretend
It's dangerous over there
If it's the same words in the end
Then why would the listener care?

I want to be genuine
Show you who I am inside
I feel it would be a sin
To make art I feel has lied

And so I will embark
To write the words you will see
Some may end up dark
But I'll make sure it's really me

***

Inspired by how amazingly La Dispute captured darkness in their song "King Park". I wanted to write something on a similar level, but I realised it wouldn't have been genuine, so I wrote this instead.

the road already travelled

I'm chasing the high again
The high of repeating where I've already been
showing I'm good at going where I've already gone
in travelling a journey that I already know

and, well, it is fun
and it is satisfying
I've spent a lot of time learning these roads
and I know almost everything about them

so here's the thing
there is virtue in mastery
in learning that last final turn
in tiny optimisations

but, well, I think the time might have come
to learn a new way
and it will be a struggle
and I will be a beginner again

yet it is only by starting that new route that I will learn something truly new
it is only be stepping outside the town that I have built for myself that I will see another way the streets can be arranged
and I may not stay in that new place long, it may not be the right fit or be the wrong type of challenge
but, if done right, the city I knew will look a little different when I finally return

I will one day step back on that familiar road
but in a different way than I did before

Noise around me

I'm trying to focus, trying to write
trying to rhyme but things aren't right
there's noise and chatter and coughing and chiming
there's a family of five, and someone else crying
each word that I wrangle to rest on the page
it's an awesome achievement on this sonorous stage
because the dog is barking, a grandma is whining
it's the sound of hundreds of people unwinding
all played to the soundtrack of inoffensive pop
all of it designed to make my lines stop 

so I leave
I go for a walk
I slowly breath
no need to talk

I love conversation
just not all the time
I need hesitation
and the space between rhyme

but it's time to turn
there's work to repay
I will once more return
to the noise of the day

Culture conversation

They think it's a culture war when it should be a culture conversation
They think they need an army when we just want deliberation
Yes I understand that the world today has seemed to change
But it's ok to live somewhere that some parts of it seem strange

It's not asking you to get on board and take part in every dance
And there are honest conversations about the right way to advance
But you seem to want to turn one side of society to mist
When all that side is really wanting is simply to exist

Not every film has to be for you. not every book, not every song
I understand that we all need a place we feel that we belong
But that place is not everywhere, every place, all the time
People who are different should not be thought of as a crime

And while there are nuances such as beliefs that cause others harm
And while I'm not suggesting we should all walk arm in arm
I will stake my claim that we should not wage a culture war attack
Although if one side brings the fight, the other must unfortunately fight back 

A one-sided war will only ever end in a certain way
What do you think will come of this artillery display?
Yet I know there are those who wish us to share seats at a table
You are but one person, but please, join us if you're able.

The power of History

What a gift we have in history
To record the days gone by
Rely on more than the electricity
That flows behind the eye

To not be just moments
Single points on a line
To unanchor our events
To spread them across time

Then read a page millennia old
A glimpse into the past
Revisit a tale worth being told
Be grateful such tales last

Learn from errors never seen
Study cities that are long gone
Decipher what some ciphers mean
To guide us as we go on

Appreciate those who came before
Relate to people you'll never know
We have history's power in our paw
Though we are but fish within its flow

A rhythm on this Earth

There is a rhythm on this Earth
There is a beat that flows
Some people dance from birth
And follow where it goes

And, well, then there's other people
And by other people I do also mean me
Who don't feel this beat at all
We don't hear the symphony

But I can dance to it sometimes
Just for a little while
I can translate the rhymes
I can be in denial

Then I will fall back
Grateful for what I could do
Do you hear the track?
Do you dance to it too?

There is virtue to your own way
But it's tough to do forever
So let's find our beat today
And dance to it together

Good to be a fool

I may be a fool, but I believe there is good in this life
That there is kindness, there is hope, and reasons to kind through the strife
For it's only by believing in things that seem unlikely or bizarre
That I can even believe a heart can heal from its scar

I believe that tomorrow will always fight through the hardest today
That the moon and the Sun will dance across the Milky Way
I stupidly hope you will always be there to see it with me
If you feel like you're falling off the Earth, we can hold hands if need be

It isn't always easy to be a hopeful presence
It can be a sad world, hard for such ideas to survive
To be a fool in spite of evidence?
To keep believing, keep the faith alive?

I will do it alone. But why not be foolish with me?
Let's keep believing in a better world in spite of what we see
Let's light up a path to see where it will lead
Let's be naïve together, taking turns if we need

The art of knowing where you're going

What inspires

we don't choose what inspires us

and I have been inspired by some very dumb things

but I still love them

I love the insight that dumb things can bring

it will inspire an idea of which I'm genuinely proud

and I'll share that idea in a conversational crowd

people can enjoy it and I just sit there in fear

that they'll ask me what inspires this great idea

and I have to say it was an Adam Sandler movie

there's a reason "high art" makes us pause and reflect

but I feel "low art" gets too much disrespect

it's talented in itself for hitting a spot to help us relax

even if it doesn't charge our brains the biggest tax

but humans are curious, I love that about those beings

and we are maybe too predisposed to thoughts and feelings

embrace it, share it, if possible without remorse

love the inspiration you found in an unlikely source

springtime in York

December was long this year

it seemed to last til May

coldness cut the stone

the temperature was grey

shadows appear deeper

walls seem to shiver

grass resists each step

do not trust the river

When the daffodils sprout 

winter melts away

the yellow on the hill

marks a special day

morning has slowly come

the birds begin to sing

colour is no longer hidden

York has entered spring 

Searching for the Spirit

It's hard to believe in a thing I can't see
A Spirit so sweet yet seeped in secrecy
Which is not to say I believe It isn't there
Just that the task's tough. And that I really do care.

I do find it easy to think of the Son
The human, the Saviour, the mortal one
He took form, then He spoke to us here
There's historical records that still persevere

The Father, He's harder, but still I get by
Not necessarily thinking of a Man in the sky
But still as a Being in some manna, some fire
Even if He dwells in the fourth dimension or higher

But the Spirit? Being honest, I just find it's tough.
Maybe it's me, maybe I'm just not spiritual enough.
I'll keep fighting for faith, wondering if I'm missing the call.
I'm just another sinner seeking salvation from the Fall.

I feel like I'm genuine

I feel...I feel like I'm genuine

but sometimes in a way people don't recognise

so they think I must be faking

that I must be hiding finding

which, well, makes me not want to be genuine any more

but I will continue to be

and I will have to endure rumours

and I will have to ignore gossip

and, honestly, sometimes I might have to adapt a little

because there will be other genuine people who don't fit in

I want them to not hide away either

this world is richer if we can all be a little bit different

so I will still be myself

as much as I can be

the genuine, authentic, me. and no one else.

The right words

sometimes I wonder, do the right words exist for this moment?
the right string of sounds
that can make a bad day into a good day
to let someone know they are cared for
to stop the tears
to put the start of a smile on a face

we are not math problems
there is no solution that works for everyone
sometimes a weird sentence is needed
something unexpected
it can be obvious words too
or even barely any words at all

look, maybe you need the right words today
and just, whatever they are
if they exist
I hope you find them

New punk?

"TERFs are the new punk!!", apparently.
According to an X-Twitter trend.
I want to disagree inherently.
If feels wrong. Cheap. Pretend.

Maybe they are the new punk though?
Or, "new punk" to be specific.
The punk that sold out long ago.
The punk that just liked the aesthetic.

Punk written by middle-class TV writers who don't understand.
Who think punk was just butter adverts, rebellion, and spiky hair.
That a punk is someone who just whines their demand.
Sure, TERFs can call themselves "new punk", that's fair.

Trans is what punk was. Still is, in the right grimy venue.
The unwanted tune. The discordant strum. 
The vocals that can only come from a downtrodden view.
The ground roots thrashing of the drum.

Punk stands for something, not just in opposition.
The anger are the fruit but passion forms the trunk.
Leaving me to only one natural position:
You can keep the new, but Trans is the old punk.

Without dark

"Without dark, there can be no light"
An interesting quote on which to embark
But while some see this as hope for bright
Others see it as a sign to fight for dark

I'm sure you've met them, in some way
Those who live their life by odd decree
"Life isn't fair", they will often say
As if unfairness is their philosophy

See, the world is rough, that much is true
I don't think we'll ever change that fact
But we can set those scales more askew
Bring more light that we once lacked

It can take a bold and peculiar mind.
To find your purpose in being kind.

A known song

I didn't know the last song
I wont know the one after
But this one right here
This one is joy and laughter

This is music in each vein
It's a rhythm in my heart
A "hell yeah" from the brain
My arms begin to dart

There's that tune I love to hear
The words I'll never forget
A beat I dance to without fear
Even if they're moves I should regret

I didn't know the last song
I wont know the one after
But this one right here
This one is joy and laughter

Nails of Iron

I saw bridges with legs like nails of iron
Rooting the city into the rugged landscape
Lit with neon to form a calm ambience  
That the mist quelled lest it get too ambitious

The river does not rush, but it is still powerful
The concrete ribbons allow for moderate-to-easy traversal
Yet it will not have been lain down without resistance
A temporary truce, that nature will claim again some day

It is foolish to think we can tame nature
It is unwise to try to make it submit
Like the stream finds a route through stone
So too should we embed our fossils in this world

There is a beauty to humanity, the trail we lead
There is a beauty to nature, who reclaims all paths

***

Just developing some thoughts I had cycling along the riverside in Newcastle

 

Sometimes I'm popular

Sometimes I'm popular
Sometimes I'm not
Always I'm odd
And rarely forgot

Sometimes harmonic
Sometimes discordant
I feel the same
Yet received different

Sometimes I'm tired
Sometimes I get energy
A group can be friendly
Other times it is lonely

So I'll hold on through the times when I diverge from the core
And treasure deeply the times that leave me wanting more

Play with Music

 I wish I could play music
That I could string up a tune
That I could take the words I write
And give them a whole new boon

I love listening to wordsmiths
With music behind the lines
Raising up the verses
Giving life to the rhymes

The perfect pop star melody
The earnest folk devotion
The raw punk rock growl
All dripping with emotion

But I know how much skill is in those notes
I wont play down the time it would require
So I'll keep working on improving my craft
In case I find someone musical to inspire