My Best Man Speech

Dedicated to Beth and Joe. A very lovely couple, who I am honoured to know.

I looked no tips up online for this speech. There is no "top ten best best man quotes" here. So, let me be open and honest, right from the start.
You've never heard anything like this before. It's right from my heart.

And my heart believes there is an optimal length of time for best man speeches. And that that time, is roughly four and a half minutes
Because, between the food and other speeches, that's as much time as any reasonable person should give it.

And you're all reasonable people. You got drinking to do, there's dancing to be had (and here I'm looking at the Dads). You all want to tell the couple how much fun they've got ahead.
Well tough luck. Because this is my four and a half minutes. And I'm going to talk about the fun we've already had instead.

Well, I'd best get going. I'm wasting time. I'm guessing some of you have already stopped caring.
For those who can, hang on tight. This is one hell of a speech I've been preparing.

See, I've always found best man speeches sort of weird.
Because, even to the groom, as best man, you are at most the *second* best person here.

Because the best is the bride who is Beth
And God Bless I wouldn't couldn't wish to be anything less than second-best.

Because she's in first place. She's smart, creative, wonderful and beautiful too.
I wish I looked so good, people paid me to look as good as they do.

And now as best man (and second best person, I'm faced with a difficult decision.
In my position it's tradition to seek to cause some attrition.

An embarrassing story for the room to mock the groom. And believe me, I've got one or two
But if you ask me for stories about how great they are then I've more than just a few

And honestly, I think I'd much rather just say
How honoured I am to be here on their wedding day

See, if I wanted to mock it would be out of jealousy and spite
For how cute the two of them look together tonight

And it's not just about looks. Here, let me take you way back
To when we were all a few years younger, and Facebook was the new black

We were idealistic, impressionable, and yet somehow still fixed in our ways
When we could know nothing on a subject, and still opinionate for days

We would be late for class, because we were determined to go and walk and get pastries in the snow
And if you ask why we didn't cycle, it was because Joe's bike wheels had been stolen a few weeks ago

But this isn't a story about how incompetent Joe is. It's about how he's good at heart.
Because he let his scavenger friends strip the bike for parts.

And we'd give him lifts places with a croggie (or backie, or a ride on the back of our bicycle machines)
And if the ride was so rough it made you drop things, well, that's just life it seems

We'd make fun of each other. As an outside, you make think our relationship started to sour
When, strictly as a challenge, he managed to show me the bird on a bus for an entire half hour

But it was all fun and games, we would push each other in most things we'd do
Like word games, and one-nils, and all the niche facts that we knew

But we'd travel and explore, we'd go to public science lectures as teenagers, because we were nerds
We'd learn and discuss all the ways that life was absurd

I believe it set up both of us well, when we left for University
And Joe is so smart, he aced a degree he didn't even need in Biochemistry

And now we meet in Oxford colleges and 5 star hotels
Not to mention fancy French restaurants as well

But we always had our barriers. Like I was the one who could eat almonds, and was good at sport.
Joe was the attractive fashionable cool one who was a hit with the ladies, which was always a rough deal I thought.

I actually remember helping him fight girls off. And I wondered who was the girl he dedicated his life to so early. And then I met Beth, and learned how she was really creative and arty.
And we could both discuss culture and hang out at murder mystery parties.

I've seen them grow into the most wonderful pair
While some things change, most notably Joe's hair

In a ever-changing world. I've known the two of them would be great
And I know Joe would hate me for saying it was fate

But I think we can all agree, how amazing they seem to be
And please take this not as jealousy, but honesty

Now I've got to wrap up. My four and a half minutes are through.
I'll leave the rest of the compliments up to all of you.

I started off this speech by saying how weird it was to call myself best man
But I'll settle instead for calling myself their biggest fan


If you want to see me performing this, skip to the 18-ish minute mark here 

A gut reaction

It may just be a passage to lead to the butt but

I have a message you should trust your gut

Even though this logic may seem insane

I often think it better not to trust my brain

So many times, without much reasoning

I feel that “my sandwich might need some spicy seasoning

Maybe I should buy this thing I don’t need

Maybe I should do this fun misdeed”

My brain says “no, you’re being unreasonable

Some of these choices aren’t even feasible

There may be some things that I don’t know

But this choice should almost certainly be no”

And when my system one has won

I find myself having much more fun

Whether the decision is made in day or made in night

I’ve grown to trust my gut to be right

And so my daughter, yes I’m speaking to you

There may be no individual reason this statement is true

But believe me when I say I trust utterly that which my gut happens to think

Which is that your room contains far too much pink

Make it honest

Whatever you say about me behind my back, make it honest.
Look, I know that I haven't been universally blessed
I've done a whole lot of really stupid things
I know my voicebox cracks somewhat when it sings
I know that sometimes I seek to be the centre of attention
Just know that I honestly have the best reasonably good intentions

So, if I do ever come up in conversation, for one reason or another
Firstly, I'm happy I'm worth the time.
Whether it's as a friend, a weirdo or a brother
Or you're not even an acquaintance of mine.
I'm happy you thought of me, whatever the reason
And I simply give this request
When you talk of me, no matter the season
Say what you think represents me best

Don't hide it. Don't act like a computer.
Say what you actually want to say.
Then maybe, someday in the future,
You can say it to me someday.

Lord you gave me gifts

Lord you gave me gifts,
    Lord you gave me gifts,
Lord you gave me more than I can ever wish for
I'm trying to live up to all you've given me to live for
Even though I may seem to just be demanding more
I'm thankful for them all, there's not a one to ignore
If I'm to find a reason I was put here for

I know you've gifted me, in so many ways
You've given me a lot of talents, given me a lot of days
But it was never full blown, always just a spark
That I had to develop with a little kick-start
So that it could grow as I get into full flow
To a talent that I always seemed to know
And sometimes that's the really tough thing
Like is this a true spark, or am I just wishing?

And I have to respect, that some gifts may not be for me
You've granted me many wonderful friends and family
And they've all got their own gifts and talents too
Which they'll develop in ways I could never think to
Make new art which is drawn from *their* hearts each day
Take a role I should accept was never my part to play

This life is so rich, because there's so many people aspiring
It would be so easy to do nothing and just sit back admiring
Instead, I've got to get out of bed
Try to sort out whatever's in my head
So I can work at my part as well
I'll have my moment and sound my bell
Work hard at these gifts you have given
Those that make life so much more worth living

So this is my worship, in the only way I know how
Living out my gift in every way you will allow
So Lord I say without being dismissed
Lord, I'm thankful for your gifts

It happened in black and white

There's a lot of detail in the world.
A lot of colour filling in the gaps.
There are advertisements in every space.
There are words in every silence.

He was lucky. He had the filter.
When something happened,
When a quick response was needed,
It. Switched. On.

Then the world would be clear
The easy path would be here
And he would instantly know
The direction to go
To solve the question
To make issues lessen
To stop things going wrong
And turn the colour back on

And then life was full again, of the unnecessary things.
He could sit back and enjoy all the nuances.
And, it used to be every once in a while.
It used to be a luxury.

The issue with any problem,
With any temporary fix,
Is it's not to long until it becomes permanent.

And nothing, nothing, will do that more than a child.
And then he couldn't be wild.
And now every moment he's ready.
Now he always has to keep steady.
He never get's to enjoy.
And nuances with his boy.
He's always ready to save.
Superdad. Always the slave.

Then it's needed elsewhere
To help him to care
It's needed at work
And to stop him being a jerk
Needed for lack of sleep
Needed so he could keep
Himself from going off the kilter
He needed. His. Filter.