I want things to return to normal

I want things to return to normal

No

    Wait

I want things to get better, so that we can return to normal

It's wanting B, when first you need to do A.

Like wanting dinner before you wash your hands

Like wanting to drive before you sober up

It's tough to wait. 

It's annoying there's no clear signal. 

And yes, you may get lucky.

    It may be fine.

But it's endangering yourself, and others.

Sometime you need to remember

    Life can require a couple of steps

Try to jump some steps

    And you may fall a great way

Take caution

    And the climb will not be too hard

Crossroads

An old fig tree marked the fork

Where the road branched many times

I stood here with many friends

All of us in our primes

I saw one friend journey to the mountain

A perilous path to a glorious summit

Though the frosty trail was littered

With those the mountain made submit

The forest claimed another friend of mine

A boon to those who knew it well

How to navigate the fruits and trails

Where it was safe to rest upon the knell

Another took the empty country road

Which stretched on for quite a while

They walked a gentle pace

Repeating mile after mile

A few friends took the river

And most of those went with its flow

Accepting where it took them

Wherever it would go

Each path had its own dangers

Each path had its own risks

Some took their path with caution

Others took a pace more brisk

I saw these friends of mine

Travel far as I could see

While I felt glued in place

Beneath this old fig tree

Inspo: https://www.zenpencils.com/comic/130-sylvia-plath-the-fig-tree/ 

What do I want to be when I grow up?

When I was young

Or, younger than I am right now

The world was endless

And stretched on forever somehow

There were older people

Who drank bitter liquid from brittle cups

Who asked me, so politely

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

It's standard question for children #2

Right after "Haven't you grown tall?"

What they meant is "What job do you want?"

But I often had no clue at all

And I'm just figuring out why

What if I don't want to be defined by just my profession?

What if I want to create things outside of 9-5?
What if I'm happy for that to be part of me

but to want to find more reason I'm alive?

And I don't know if I would have had an answer

But I wish just one older head

Had taken young me aside

And asked "What kind of person do you want to grow up to be?" instead

...

I felt the poem ended nicely there, but I'll admit to still not having an answer to that question. And right now I am really having to grapple with it.

I know I want to be kind

I know I want time outside of 9-5 to explore the richness of life

I know I want to not be so tired

I know I want to help others 

I know I want to not grow so distant from friends

I know I want to grow more as a person
But what I want to do?

I still don't know

And I haven't for the longest time

How to rest

Today, I have to remember how to rest

Give my brain some time to itself

To not prepare for any trial or test

Recollect how to be myself

Don't do work. Check.

What else is there to do?

Let's think. There was

a time before 

what I just went through

I remember things

being brighter then.

Even if I don't remember how.

I don't want to

just do nothing

Even if that's all my energy will allow

I've done some exercise

I've played some games

I've chatted with friends

I've gone outside

I've done some cooking

I've breathed a little deeper

Now, I'm at an end

What else?

I suppose I will 

remember

How to reorder myself with time

But to rebuild

myself

I must first

become 

a less structured

rhyme

Written in my garden, after submitting the final set of corrections for my D.Phil

Sound of my name

I'm not sure I've ever really felt that my name is me.
It's just a label, what more could it be?
It's not tied to ancestors generations long gone

Nor to a culture to which I will always belong

I was not named for a hero whose deed were great

No, my name means nothing. It does not determine my fate.

It is not an adjective or promise about who I would be

All my name does is signify that I'm me

Yet I am not even the only one with my name on the earth

So I feel it is not my name that gives me worth

For more than my name, I feel I am the things I have done

Those are the things that make me someone

My name was chance, from people who did not yet know me

So I will not be defined by a few syllables only

One day, I guess, I may feel proud of my name

Or, the opposite, I could view it with shame

But one things for certain, if I am more than those sounds

I had better show it and live a life that's profound