My Best Man Speech

Dedicated to Beth and Joe. A very lovely couple, who I am honoured to know.

I looked no tips up online for this speech. There is no "top ten best best man quotes" here. So, let me be open and honest, right from the start.
You've never heard anything like this before. It's right from my heart.

And my heart believes there is an optimal length of time for best man speeches. And that that time, is roughly four and a half minutes
Because, between the food and other speeches, that's as much time as any reasonable person should give it.

And you're all reasonable people. You got drinking to do, there's dancing to be had (and here I'm looking at the Dads). You all want to tell the couple how much fun they've got ahead.
Well tough luck. Because this is my four and a half minutes. And I'm going to talk about the fun we've already had instead.

Well, I'd best get going. I'm wasting time. I'm guessing some of you have already stopped caring.
For those who can, hang on tight. This is one hell of a speech I've been preparing.

See, I've always found best man speeches sort of weird.
Because, even to the groom, as best man, you are at most the *second* best person here.

Because the best is the bride who is Beth
And God Bless I wouldn't couldn't wish to be anything less than second-best.

Because she's in first place. She's smart, creative, wonderful and beautiful too.
I wish I looked so good, people paid me to look as good as they do.

And now as best man (and second best person, I'm faced with a difficult decision.
In my position it's tradition to seek to cause some attrition.

An embarrassing story for the room to mock the groom. And believe me, I've got one or two
But if you ask me for stories about how great they are then I've more than just a few

And honestly, I think I'd much rather just say
How honoured I am to be here on their wedding day

See, if I wanted to mock it would be out of jealousy and spite
For how cute the two of them look together tonight

And it's not just about looks. Here, let me take you way back
To when we were all a few years younger, and Facebook was the new black

We were idealistic, impressionable, and yet somehow still fixed in our ways
When we could know nothing on a subject, and still opinionate for days

We would be late for class, because we were determined to go and walk and get pastries in the snow
And if you ask why we didn't cycle, it was because Joe's bike wheels had been stolen a few weeks ago

But this isn't a story about how incompetent Joe is. It's about how he's good at heart.
Because he let his scavenger friends strip the bike for parts.

And we'd give him lifts places with a croggie (or backie, or a ride on the back of our bicycle machines)
And if the ride was so rough it made you drop things, well, that's just life it seems

We'd make fun of each other. As an outside, you make think our relationship started to sour
When, strictly as a challenge, he managed to show me the bird on a bus for an entire half hour

But it was all fun and games, we would push each other in most things we'd do
Like word games, and one-nils, and all the niche facts that we knew

But we'd travel and explore, we'd go to public science lectures as teenagers, because we were nerds
We'd learn and discuss all the ways that life was absurd

I believe it set up both of us well, when we left for University
And Joe is so smart, he aced a degree he didn't even need in Biochemistry

And now we meet in Oxford colleges and 5 star hotels
Not to mention fancy French restaurants as well

But we always had our barriers. Like I was the one who could eat almonds, and was good at sport.
Joe was the attractive fashionable cool one who was a hit with the ladies, which was always a rough deal I thought.

I actually remember helping him fight girls off. And I wondered who was the girl he dedicated his life to so early. And then I met Beth, and learned how she was really creative and arty.
And we could both discuss culture and hang out at murder mystery parties.

I've seen them grow into the most wonderful pair
While some things change, most notably Joe's hair

In a ever-changing world. I've known the two of them would be great
And I know Joe would hate me for saying it was fate

But I think we can all agree, how amazing they seem to be
And please take this not as jealousy, but honesty

Now I've got to wrap up. My four and a half minutes are through.
I'll leave the rest of the compliments up to all of you.

I started off this speech by saying how weird it was to call myself best man
But I'll settle instead for calling myself their biggest fan


If you want to see me performing this, skip to the 18-ish minute mark here